National Night Out

Today is the big event that the Center is hosting, National Night Out: A Recognition of the Contributions of African American Men to the Bay Area. I suppose a good question is Do I have enough time to write a blog right now? Apparently so. This is the earliest I have been in at the Center and it is quieter than I could ever imagine. For this moment, however, I am not going to write about the event, or how busy we will be today, or how many things there are to do, or even how calm it is right now.

Last night I was talking to my girlfriend, Susie. She will be spening two years in Tanzania, Africa in Jesuit Volunteer Corps: International. The program is similar to the one I am in but is a little more intense. She shared with me that there are some basic structural designs built into the program that may be considered hypocritical. For example, it is good that we send volunteers to areas of Africa that need help, but the job that the volunteer takes could have been given to a native person. Do the the positives outweigh the negatives in this situation?

It got me thinking. I, for one, believe that sending volunteers is a good thing. The positives do outweigh the negatives. Yes, a native person may lose their job, but what a well-educated, engaging, passionate person can bring to a different culture is invaluable. Some of the main reasons for conflict, and in the long run war, are ignorance, tunnel vision, and individuals (and cultures) with singular viewpoints. These all breed misunderstanding, prejudice, fear and if let sit too long violence. I think that the sharing of stories and values and the overall promotion of diversity that comes hand in hand with an international volunteer program is indispensable for uniting the different parts of the world. The volunteers cannot lose and neither can the environment where they are placed.

This brings me to the Center. I think that we have the same thing going on here, of which I believe I have talked about before. For me, this has been in invaluable experience. I have lived in an environment that I never have before. I have seen and experienced things that I never would have seen if I had remained in white, middle-upper class suburbia. I have learned about people, why they do what they do, their needs, desires and hopes. And I think this all goes both ways. Hopefully the guys have learned from me. Hopefully, just because I am a different face and from a different experience, they have been able to see a different world. I am not saying anyone's experience is good or bad or that there is any value judgment whatsoever. What I would like to promote here is the diversity that we have created. Which should, with time and energy, lead to enlightenment where there was once ignorance. If we can really know each other, and see the world with each other's eyes, then we can better rid ourselves of the prejudices we naturally have, and we can move toward a reconciliation of all our differences (which are in fact good, because diversity is good, but which can lead to misunderstanding). I suppose what we are looking for is a Center (and a world) in which we can enjoyably and peacefully share our similarities while we celebrate our differences.

losing a friend

Many of my JV counterparts speak of the connections they have made with clients. I always found this a bit curious. Maybe it is because I do not think of the guys I work with as clients, but instead, as fellow humans. But I am not sure this is right. My problem is that I have a hard time identifying a particular bond with the guys. How is it that everyone else has made these great friends? And if I think of the guys not as clients but as people, that should make me more likely to create some sort of bond.

I don't know. I can say, however, that I do feel a connection with the guys, at least some of them. I suppose I just have a hard time finding it. What brought me to this reflection is that one of the guys who I have worked closely with over the last few months, who has had a lot of responsibility at the Center, and who had made a huge amount of progress, recently left the Center to check himself into a drug treatment program. It came as a big surprise because he seemed to be doing so well. He was working a full-time job, got himself some housing, and spent his free time working at the Center. I like to think that I can usually tell when someone is using, but I could not this time.

So I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get to give him support. I did not get to tell him that I was proud of him and that it is OK to seek help. This year has been full of ups and downs, seeming victories and seeming failures. I don't really know anymore what is what. But I will take this experience as a victory. Yes, he started using again and had to go to a treatment center. But he made major steps in working full-time, staying in an apartment, and working at the Center. And even making the decision to get help, to make himself vulnerable and open to the caring hands of others, is itself a major victory. Most of the guys here are unwilling to do that.

So I guess more than anything I am thankful for the guys here at the Center, thankful for the experience we have had, and mostly thankful for the guys who I have gotten the chance to really get to know. There are so many stories and so many different personalities. And everyone has something speical to give. I am truly thankful. I pray that my friend finds himself, without drugs and alcohol, wherever he is. And that when he is done he can share his real self with everyone else.

The Real Lesson

I was talking to someone who read my last blog and they commented, with a slight smile and smirk, that I spent a whole year working with the homeless and going to retreats and all I learned was "not to judge." I suppose what I said could have come off that way, but in reality the lesson I feel as though I have learned is a little more subtle. Of course we all know that we should not judge each other and that "love is the answer." We know these ideas from sources as ancient as the Bible and as commercial as bumper stickers. So I realize that I should have learned these lessons long ago. But that is not what I feel I have learned.

Inevitably, because of our particular personalities, the geographic locations we were raised, the color of our skin, the material well-being we have known, etc. most of us believe that it is "wrong" to judge and "right" to love. But we often cater these beliefs to our unique circumstances. Meaning, we love those who are similar to us (in our beliefs) and those for whom we feel sympathy, but we judge those who do not fit into our own personal criteria for who is "good."

This happens everywhere and all the time. Even among fellow social workers I find that we often have negative feelings toward those who do not share the same beliefs as we do. Or those who work with the poor feel that it is ok to hate those who are materially well off and decide not the help the poor.

The problem is that the minute one begins to judge others, whether or not the people who are being judged are apparently "good" or "bad," that person immediately cuts him or herself off from solving the problem. Judgment is a great divider, it pushes people apart and keeps them there. Understanding, forgiveness and love are all reconcilers, they bring people together. These may seem like simple statements but they are important. Solving the problem of disparity, of having a large group of homeless people living in despair next to another group of people who have the resources to help them, cannot contain any sort of judgment - on either side of the continuum. I cannot judge the poor and I cannot judge the rich. This will not do any good. And I must understand that my particular dispositions and my unique experiences have most likely set me up to judge certain groups of people. I must identify this, understand it and then hopefully work from outside myself. This is what I have learned this year. That I must identify my own prejudices and get rid of them. Because we should not judge anyone, even if with think they are completely "evil."

I realize that once again this lesson is quite apparent in all sorts of texts. But what has been important for me this year is that I have not simply read these idealizations, I have actually lived them. For me, to truly understand my lesson I needed to spend night and day living what I read. And I believe that this is important for everyone. We need to put our thoughts to action, to actually challenge every cell in our body to jump into reality. Only by seeking a multitude of diverse experiences do I think we can make this happen.

So I seek to look into the world and not judge anyone. This is hard and I often fail. But I will continue to remind myself that someone who shoots drugs into his vains is not evil. And someone who buys an extraordinarilly expensive house is not evil either. I will not solve any problems by judging these people. I might be able to solve some problems, however, if I identify my own prejudices, relinquish them and then seek to understand and work with other people in their own particular circumstances - without judgment of course.

A New Vision

This past weekend, during our last JVC retreat, I had the chance to reflect on what the year has meant to me. With this in mind, I have been thinking about what I would say if someone asked me what I took away from this year. I would like to focus on one thing, one major lesson that I feel I have learned, that I will take away from this year and bring into future events. This is what I would say.

I spent much of the year trying to figure out why people do the things they do, why the guys at the Center act the way they do. Why there is, relatively speaking, a higher incidence of lying, cheating, stealing, etc. than in other populations. I thought about this a lot and discussed this a lot and feel as though I have come to some sort of conclusion. My main assertion is that people are not natually evil. This is something that I simply do not believe. Everyone, no matter how hard it may be to see, is inherently good. I truly believe this. Which means that people act in evil ways, not because they are bad, but because something causes, or pushes, them to do so. Generally, people act bad because they have been taught to act bad, or the way they act is the only way they really know how to act. It has been a part of their life since they were born. Some people may call this the socialization of behavior or say that nurture is more important in the development of personality than nature (we could also discuss genetic predisposition to acting certain ways and discuss mental illness, which is often times mostly genetic, but not right now). So basically we should not judge people for acting the way they do. We should seek to understand why they act the way they do, forgive them if necessary and then love them for the good that we find in them. Above all, give people a chance or two or three to get on their feet and make good for themselves. And DO NOT JUDGE. This is what we do at the Center and what others in JVC do.

Now fast forward a bit. I am driving with Steve along 18-mile drive and we are nauseated by the extravagence of the houses we see. We cannot believe how much money, that could be used for social services, probably went into building these behemoth houses. But then I had to check myself. Why am I judging these people if I did not judge the guys at the Center.? Are they not inherently good too? The answer is yes, they are good. And the evils that I may see in their actions are there for the same reasons that the I used for the homeless men. I believe that people who have a lot of money and material possessions, and decide not to share, for the most part were socialized to live the way they do. They know no other way than to live (I realize that I am making some assumptions and that there are probably other explanations to go along with this idea, but what can I do, I am not judging the people I am talking about so I do not think I am really hurting anybody). So once again, from my point of view my only plan of action is to try and understand why people act the way they do, forgive them if necessary and move forward with loving actions. And above all, DO NOT JUDGE.

So what have I really learned? I have a unique position, along with fellow JVs, everyone at St. Vincent de Paul, people doing other kinds of social work, etc. on the middle ground of two extremes. I have my feet in a life of material comfort. On the other hand I have spent the year with people who are chronically homeless and do not have material comfort. I feel as though most people in JVC and at St. Vincent de Paul can say the same thing. And we are not here to fix the poor population or fix the rich population. We are here to reconcile these two extremes. We have a vision, because we have seen both worlds, of a new creation, one that contains less evil and more good. And we cannot create more equality by judging either side. We must never judge. We must seek to understand, forgive if necessary (celebrate if necessary too) and finally love to move forward. I will make a judgment and say that the middle ground we stand on is better than either extreme. This is why we must move forward and why love is the only answer. Any sort of hatred or righteousness will lead to failure. And so this is where I find myself right now. I feel as though I have a vision, limited of course, but at least looking in the right direction. And St. Vincent de Paul has provided the foundation for this new view of things. If there is one lesson I have learned from this year, I would have to say that this is it. Never judge but love, no matter what direction you are looking.

Activities Update

I have not submitted a blog in quite a while, so I guess there is a lot of catching up to do. There are a million things that I could talk about, but I think a highlight of the past couple of weeks will be good.

The first interesting event is that my dad visited a couple of weekends ago. It was quite an experience. We did not do any sight-seeing or any of the normal tourist kind of stuff. We simply hung out and I got to introduce him to the life that I live - work and the people at work as well as home and the people at home. My dad came in on a Friday and participated in a discussion on existentialism, often offering his own advice from his many years as a family practice physician. He then helped out with the Rotary #3 Doctors' Clinic, seeing a few patients and discussing current health issues with Dr. Schmitz and Dr. Flanagan. It was fun becuase Dr. Schmitz attended Medical College of Wisconsin, the same school my father attended and the school that I will be attending come August. My dad and Dr. Schmitz have also both been president of their respective chapters of Rotary.

My dad also got an experience of what it is like to hang out with my JVC community. We are all similar in a lot of ways, that is why we are in JVC, but we also have a lot of differences. This leads to quite a few late-night debates, often times becoming a bit heated. On Friday night one of my roommates made the assertion that physicians make too much money. Of course my father was interested in this idea, as was I. Needless to say, we spent two hours debating this assertion, mainly focusing on what the proper compenstion is for someone who dedicates their life to healing others (and the risks and stresses that come with such a profession). In all, I had a great time catching up with my dad and showing him why this year has been so important to me.

Other interesting news. The Friday meetings have been going great. As I said, we had a little existential discussion that went well. But other good things have been happening. Donna Foley, a woman who works with drama, acting and the arts, has been coming in and talking to the guys about the works of Shakespeare and other dramas. The guys, with the help of Donna, have created The Seldom Seen Acting Company, which is a program so the guys can do some acting and hopefully make some money. It seems as though there is a lot of interest. I really enjoyed a presentation that Donna did a couple of Fridays ago about some major monologues from Hamlet and the Merchant of Venice, as well as giving a general background of William Shakespeare. I feel as though the guys can really connect with a lot of the ideas that run through these major works. And everyone was absolutely entranced by the presentation.

Also with the enrichment program, we have started our tour of Bay Area Museums. I took a small group to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art last Tuesday and another group to the Exploratorium on Wednesday. All of the people who went live in Oakland but because they do not have enough money have not been to San Francisco in years - literally. So it was good to get some people over there. The MOMA had some good stuff and the Exploratorium was one of the coolest places I have ever been. There are hundreds of hands-on scientific experiments everywhere, covering optics, sound, gravity, geology, electro-magnetism, and a million more things. The group I took to the Exploratorium included a man and his girlfriend and their little boy, Jerome. They all had a good time, and afterwards Jerome got to play football with some other kids on the nearby beach. We are also planning on visiting the Oakland Museum and the Legion of Honor. The reason we can do this is that museums usually have one free day each month. So we have been hitting those free days and the only thing we have to cover is transportation costs. I am excited for what is to come.

The next update, to be submitted as soon as possible, will discuss my recent retreat. It was themed dis-orientation, and was the last time I will see most of the people from JVC.

giving life

I recently read a book that contained the phrase "the Father is that which gives life." These words supposedly came from the mouth of Jesus of Nazareth as he preached to his disciples(from a book by Leo Tolstoy titled The Gospels in Brief). I do not know if the wording got jumbled in translation (this phrase started as Greek then became Russian and finally was translated into English) but it seems a little awkward to me. Because the sentence begins with the noun Father, it seems to me that it should also use the pronoun he. In which case it would read, "the Father is he who gives life." But this is not how it reads. The phrase purposely uses the words that which when referring to the Father, which has the peculiar effect of completely abstracting the idea of the Father. It seems to be saying that anything which gives life can be called a Father. I suppose that this is not that much of a reach. Humans create life all the time when they have children. But I am going to take a wild guess that this is not the context in which we are working. We must remember that these words were spoken with GOD in mind. Now I know that we are dealing with various translations of the bible and a writer who may have taken a little liberty in writing his book, but I think it is fun to play around with this idea a bit.

In the bible, Jesus continually refers to God as his father. He also continually refers to himself as the son of man. I do not think many people would argue these last two points, even if they disagree with what is being said (all one has to do is read these words in the bible). Now, there are a number of interpretations to what Jesus was saying and what he really meant. One is that Jesus is THE son of God, in which case he was completely unique and was here on earth to divinely save us from sin. This interpretation is pretty popular seeing as about 1 billion Christians around the world claim to believe this idea. But what if we think about the above phrase, that "the Father is that which gives life," and interpret what Jesus was saying a little differently. What if he was really saying that every time we give life, or every time we create something, we are effectively acting as the father. In which case, we as humans are God and Jesus, as the son of man, is divine in the sense that he best represents what is best in all of us, mainly that he continually brings life to those around him.

This inevitably makes me think about all the times that Jesus proclaims the coming of the kingdom of God. If we go with interpretation number two, then we do not have to believe that the coming of the kingdom of God means angels and judgment and so on, but that in using the teachings of Jesus that bring life to others and ourselves we are bringing the kingdom of God to earth through our own life-giving creations. To me this is a pretty cool idea, because then we do not have to wait for anyone else to do good things for us, but we do the good things ourselves. It is empowering (and for me a little more realistic).

Finally, it makes me think about our Art Days that we have once each month at the Center. Some people may say that doing art is impractical, that it does not teach the men useful skills for reassimilating into society. But I beg to differ. Each time we get together we sit down, we explore ourselves (the last time reflecting on how we see ourselves) and then we put our ideas and feelings onto paper. We create works of art that are beautiful because they are pieces of ourselves. I believe that each time we do this we are finding the divine in ourselves and then sharing it with each other. To me there is nothing more effective than this to working toward reassimilation. Because if we can see God in each other, in concrete ways, then we can do anything.

Happenings

Homeless Court is once again around the corner. This round has been much more involved. I now meet with my clients on a regular basis and request a lot more documentation. Because of the increased responsibility on the part of the client, fewer people made it through the process. I took three people to see the public defender today. Nevertheless, as usual, there were surprises. One client actually had no active cases, which is a good thing. But now I will be working with her to see if she can get some of her cases expunged so it is easier to get a job. She has made some remarkable progress. Another gentlemen was not on file, but because he has a rather simple case I think we can get him into court on the 17th. A few extra calls here and there should do the job, and maybe a letter or two. Other than that today went as expected.

We are working on putting together and event for early August that will celebrate the contribution that the African-American has made to the Bay Area. The idea is to have food, music, speakers, art and a whole lot of fun. It takes a lot more work to plan events like these than I thought. Talking to people, getting them to committ, finding resources and donations on little or no budget. It's all great fun. Or not really.

The enrichment meetings are going well. Last week we spent over two hours discussing The Allegory of the Cave - Part II. The guys could not get enough of it. Some of them actually requested to use it again. We decided, however, to move on and this week our discussion group will get a dose of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Self-Reliance, with a little Thoreau and Whitman thrown in to support the transcendental theme. I think that it will be a good topic and even though it is fun to discuss on its own, there is good practical knowledge all over the place.

I have been doing some one-on-one work with one of the guys, teaching him how to use a computer. I cannot believe how much we take for granted having grown up during the computer era. I have to start by explaining how to turn the computer on. From there I have to explain how to log onto the computer, but before I can do that I have to explain how to use the mouse, what button to click, how many times to click it, where to click, how to make sure the cursor (the little flashy vertical line thing) is in the text box, what to write in the text box, etc. And that is just logging in! Imagine explaining icons, the start menu, word and of course the internet. I have so much respect for people who teach this kind of stuff every day. The way I think about it is that it is just like learning a language. We learned how to speak our specific languages when we were babies, we don't even remember it. That was how it was for me learning the language of computers. I don't remember learning all the details. The guy I am working with is a completely clean slate, has no knowledge whatsoever and is used to doing things his way. But we are making progress. It is an interesting experience.

JVC experience

This is an essay that was submitted to JVC to use in their newsletter. It has some ideas common to previous blogs...

A Buddhist proverb states: To every man is given the key to the gates of heaven. The same key opens the gates of hell. If this statement is true, then the Jerusalem cross we received upon our initiation into JVC aptly symbolizes this key.

Jean-Paul Sartre argued that hell is other people. After spending a year in JVC, I find it difficult to challenge this assertion. Fortunately, however, the above proverb reveals that heaven is other people too. In other words, we have the opportunity to create heaven here and now, but we must consciously work toward this goal and not the other. This is not always easy.

Working with the homeless exposed me to a large contingent of angry, self-interested men. In addition I lived with fellow social workers who experienced similar tensions and hardships as I did. In many ways it was good to have each other for support. But without a proper understanding of how to relate to the inhabitants of this high-stress, volatile environment, I felt vulnerable to conflict and fear.

During silent retreat, grateful for my continuing guidance but still without a concrete remedy for the growing tension, I turned to Christ as He hung on the cross. This dramatic setting was my only access to the intense personalities and feelings I experienced at work and home. There, confronting unbearable suffering and anger equally as violent, Jesus gave me, despite his desperately human appearance, a divine answer: ease His pain.

It is fitting that I plan to pursue a career healing others’ physical ailments. I can think of no better preparation than a program that gave me the key, provided the dynamic environment and support to test it and pushed me to work, through the healing of others, toward heaven and not hell.

Latest Enrichment Discussions

I don't know why, but I have failed to write about our last Art Day. Two Fridays ago we got together for our enrichment discussion and did some art together. There was no real theme but this is what we did. Everyone centered themselves. Then we took some time to have an inward conversation. This could be with oneself, with someone else, with God, with an idea, etc. After having this short inner dialogue, everyone was then supposed to identify the main feeling they were having, and after identifying it we all had to explore it. This all lasted about ten minutes, after which we got the paints out and threw those feelings onto paper.

We had a good mix of regular volunteers (Paul, Steve, myself), some sporadic volunteers (Mary-Grace and Liz), and then the guys who intern. It turned out really well. Everyone did something unique, something that expressed what they were feeling as they sat and thought. After spending about 45 minutes painting, in which everyone produced great, personal works, we shared our paintings with each other and in turn let other people analyze the paintings. What happened was quite incredible. We got to peak into each others' minds, but also (and more importantly) each others' hearts. We got to see (literally) what everyone else was feeling. And what was really cool was that when we analyzed each other we could see things that the people themselves could not see. We spent a good hour and a half talking to each other about our paintings and sharing our ideas and insights about them.

Once again I was blown away by what people had to share. It amazes me each time Steve or I or anyone else comes in with a program and the guys take ahold of it. I often think about the guys and how they have to put up a front in order to survive on the streets. And how we are breaking those walls down when we have events like Art Day. It takes a lot of courage to come in and do that. I cannot relate to this. It is expected of me to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with other people. But the guys are not expected to do this. They are not expected to know how and even if they do they are not expected to do it. That would be a sign of weakness. I am proud of what the guys have done.

This last Friday Jared and I put together a program that, more or less, had to do with our own interests. We are both philosophy majors and therefore thought it would be a good idea to share the parable of the cave with the guys, Plato's famous allegory about the education of the human soul and how that relates to the perfect state. Although we are not trying to build the perfect state, the parable of the cave has some great foundational philosophical themes on how we see the world and what it really means to understand what we see. In addition it is easy to draw parallels between the cave and homelessness, more specifically addiction and homelessness.

I mention these qualities of the parable of the cave because they allowed us to have a great conversation. I was a little apprehensive bringing in a subject as abstract as philosophy, but the guys we able to make some great connections. The parable of the cave is so universal and the experience of addiction is so epidemic that the two were fated to collide. After we finished our conversation, which never really ended, I had to cut it short, I asked the guys what they thought about the whole deal. Should I bring in stuff like this in the future? The answer was an astounding yes. I could not believe it. The guys loved the subject and in fact asked me if we could continue it next week, with an intertwined theme of maintaining sobriety. I think we can make it work.

All in all, I am so proud of what the guys have been doing lately. The center has been operating smoothly and attendance is growing for our meetings (even when we don't have food). It's all pretty great. Hopefully we will keep moving forward, something I am not too worried about.

Irony at the Center

Today I found a stack of the New Yorker lying around the Center. I don't know if the material is quite what the guys like, but who am I to judge. As I made room for the extra magazines on the magazine rack I found a few up there that were of interest to me. One was Money. Here are some of the headlines: 5 Rules for Goofproof Investing, Get Rich in Real Estate - The Smart Way and Your Best Year-End Moves In Taxes, Savings, Health Care and More...Now, I am not sure about what anyone else thinks, but I thought this was pretty hilarious. Do the guys at the Center worry about savings? Investing? To me finding one of the guys reading this magazine would be like finding a gay man looking at Penthouse. Probably would not happen. The other magazine that was of interest was diablo: The Magazine of the East Bay. The month's area of interest was: BEST of the East Bay - Our Ultimate Guide to the Good Life. Including...Best Fine Dining, Facial, Boutiques, Day Spa, etc. Once again, I am not sure that this would be of interest to the guys of the Center. Maybe it's just me though.

All kidding aside, I think it is good to really think about the juxtaposition between these magazines and the guys of the Center. The material in the magazines is not necessarily bad. Just as the guys of the Center are not bad. But there is a definite difference in lifestyle, desires, needs, etc. I think we should be aware of those differences. And remember that when helping someone who has a different outlook on life, one must understand and empathize with that outlook. I guess that's it. Sometimes these situations can be pretty funny, though.

Silent Retreat

I had the opportunity this past weekend to attend a silent retreat with my fellow Jesuit Volunteers. If you are unfamiliar with how such a retreat works I will fill you in a little bit, it is not that complicated. One is basically silent at all times, except when speaking with a spiritual director or participating in a prayer service, each of which occurred both days of the retreat. Other than that one is supposed to pray, sleep, reflect, read, walk, eat, relax, sit, etc. Basically one can do anything that does not involve talking, which also includes communication through body language, facial expressions and things of that nature too. It is actually a pretty exciting yet anxious experience because we are not used to engaging ourselves in such personal, reflective solitude. I, for one, enjoyed the experience, but I would not say it was joyous in any way or filled with puppy dogs, rainbows or any other fun bubbly things. It was an intense exploration of my year as a JV at the Center that allowed me to confront such feelings as anger, fear, violence and insanity. Definitely not puppy dogs.

The first day of the retreat, Sunday, went by in a breeze. I attended a prayer workshop, met with my spiritual advisor, slept, prayed, ate, all the stuff I mentioned earlier. Although I did have some issues I wanted to work out in prayer, I would not say that they were super stressful. My advisor, Daniel, recommended short bursts of very relational prayer and that is what I did. I walked with Jesus along the paths of the retreat center, we joked, discussed some minor issues and parted. It was great. I also met with some of the guys from the Center and we worked out some tension. Also fairly simple.

Things started to change Sunday evening. We all met that night to begin a Peace Vigil, a traditional ritual that JVC:Southwest performs as long as there is unnecessary violence in the world. As you can guess, they hold it every year. It starts with a prayer service, there is a candle lighting ceremony, a slow, deliberate walk to the rotunda where the vigil is held, and then peaceful silence throughout the night and into the next morning. There are always at least two JVs holding vigil throughout the night either praying, reflecting, reading journals, writing journals, or at the least staying awake in support of peace. I went to bed Sunday night knowing that I would be holding vigil from 3 to 4 in the morning. This is when the night got interesting.

I awoke, after an already restless night of sleep, at 2:40 am because of a nightmare. This is how it went. I was running home from the T in Boston, which is the public transit they have there, in running shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops. It was late at night and I knew I was in a bad neighborhood. The air was heavy, the lighting dim and the streets seemed more narrow than usual. Everything felt small and suffocating. I knew, just knew, something bad was going to happen. And sure enough as I was crossing one of the streets I came across a young kid wearing a white tank top and holding two empty fourties. Before I knew what was happening he was threatening me with one of the bottles, broken to create a sharp edge, and I had the other bottle, also broken to create a sharp edge. As we struggled my movements were slow and sluggish. I kept yelling, "No, no, no," over and over again. All I wanted to say was that this was not right, that this should not happen, but only No would come out of my mouth. The kid just looked at me with a blank stare, and calmly replied, "No." He seemed to be saying that what was going to happen was inevitable. It might be meaningless, you may not know my motivation, if there even is one, but nevertheless you cannot do anything about it. And as I continued to blubber all I could think about was what it was going to feel like when the cold, jagged glass hit that vulnerable spot in the front of my neck, letting the life in me seep out. In a blink we were no longer holding the bottles, but we were still at a face off, and I saw a police car a block away. In that instant my heart rose, only to fall just as quickly as I realized the cop was going to continue driving away. The street continued to shrink and as I contemplated running awaythe kid pulled out a gun from behind his back and pointed it at my head. "No," is all he had to say as he again shook his head with that dull look in his eyes. Here my dream ended.

Needless to say I did not fall back asleep before going down to hold my place at the vigil. I also was not feeling very peaceful. But it was a good chance to try and work out this dream, to see if I could engage this character and find Christ in the whole situation. It didn't happen. I spent half an hour thinking through things and praying to no avail. The next 30 minutes were dedicated to sitting and doing nothing. I was spent, I felt as though I could work through the issues with my spiritual advisor the next day. Apparently, however, I had more coming.

The next dream I had was just as violent, even if a little more bizarre. I flashed into a scene in which I was outside of a big stadium. There was a man inside on the top rows who had taken people hostage with a gun. I fired away, almost mindlessly, with a machine gun, tyring to kill this guy. Mind you I have never even held a gun much less fired one. The only idea in my head was that I have to kill the man. I saw innocent people surrounding the guy but decided that it was ok to hit them as long as I also hit the bad guy. Upon later reflection I could not believe that these were my thoughts. This part of the dream ended as it melded into a new theme. There was a crazy, psychotic killer on the loose, running around cutting people up. I found myself in an artillery shed, on a corner in the "bad" part of town. Once again the darkness and layout of the streets was quite suffocating. The whole mood was heavy, dreary, hopeless. I was holding my shotgun telling the clerk that I wanted as much ammo as I could hold, I wanted everything he had. There was a knock on the shed door and I knew instantly that the killer was oustide, waiting for his next victim. As the clerk went outside and around the back of the shed I ran off without my gun or any of the ammunition. I knew the clerk was already dead. I next found myself in a house where the killer just was, destruction everywhere, but the killing weapons left for me to take. I picked up the sharp objects and started to look for the killer. As I found him I no longer had the weapons and I quickly realized that he was a completely insane man with arms flailing, other grotesque movements and incoherent babbling. I found myself on top of this guy, holding him down. His face was distorted, his teeth dirty and crooked and he was trying to bite me. The guy was completely nuts. My dream ended.

That was my night. No bubble gum or birthday cake. I spent the morning ignoring the night, I was not ready to deal with it. I was holding off until I could sit down and talk about it with someone else. Finally 1:30 rolled around and as I sat down across from Daniel I said, "Boy do have have some stuff to share with you." He told me to go ahead and tell my story, which I did. This ended with me asking, "Pretty crazy, huh?" Which got the wonderful response of a slight laugh and a short period of uneasy silence. Daniel helped me out, though, we talked through the dreams, did some analysis, some associations, some connections to the real world, etc. He was very helpful in that he let me identify what the themes were in the dreams, what the things represented to me, and how it all connected to what is going on in my life right now. Without going into too much detail, and knowing that anyone who reads this can probably think of what some of the themes were, I will say that there was a lot of anger in these dreams, a lot of fear, violence and a sense of absurd insanity. Connecting these ideas to reality was not too difficult. There is a lot of anger at the Center, usually not violent, but still always present. There is the violence in the city of Oakland, muggings, shootings, etc. There is the threat of violence at the Center. There are mentally unstable people who we work with. And I know that even though I am not usually afraid of these things, there is an underlying sense of unconscious fear in what I do. There it was, everything was covered, but I still had not resolved anything.

Daniel and I continued to discuss other things, but at the end of our meeting he looked at me seriously and said, "You have to pray about this, you have to engage what is going on here." I knew he was right and thought to myself that I was going to confront Jesus with these problems. I would set myself up in some kind of discussion and we would beat the answers out. This was not as easy as it might appear. I spent all day thinking about other things, and when I tried to pray about it it was just too hard. I could not find the right way to access the problem, I could not find the right way to approach Jesus with what I wanted to talk about. More importantly I was afraid that when I confronted the problem and tried to work through it I would not be able to find any answers. I felt paralyzed.

The day continued into the night and still nothing happened. At 7:30 we had a prayer service that stressed healing and gratitude. Even though there was some good stuff involved I did not get as much from the service as I could have becuase my mind was in other places. At the end of the prayer service, as everyone else was leaving, I decided to stay not really knowing what I was going to do. I enjoyed the chapel. It had a sense of history to it. I could tell that it was built with purpose and with care. The wooden beams holding up the roof reminded me that it was built in a time before our own. I suppose I was simply feeling a little nostalgic. The lights were dim in the chapel, just as they had been in my dreams. As I looked to the front of the building I started to observe the crucifix. The only bright lights in the whole chapel were mounted on the back of one of the support beems and they focused on the representation of Jesus hanging on the cross. As I sat there a little longer it suddenly hit me. This is were I had to access the anger and violence and insanity in my dreams, and it was the only way in which I could still hold onto God.

My previous meetings with Jesus were pretty cordial. Even though we discussed some serious topics we could still laugh and joke with each other. This situation was different. I was going to deal with a dying man. But not just that, one who had been betrayed, beaten, ridiculed, humiliated and then strung up on a big piece of wood. As I approached Jesus the air was cold and just a little wet, enough to make your skin dry and cause some irritation both inside and out. I looked up and said, "I have to talk to you about something." Jesus' head snapped down towards me, his eyes completely black, almost empty as he yelled, "What do you want now?" The earth seemed to tremble a bit. I was taken back by his anger, so uncharacteristic of him. "I need to talk to you about something," I answered with whatever courage I had left. Again he violently looked at me, this time with even more passionate anger. "Look at me, Tom. " And as I looked he explained, "I have a crown of thorns on my head. My body is full of welts and cuts. There are huge, rusty nails going through my hands and feet." His voice was still angry and I did not blame him. The scene was gross. Blood and sweat was everywhere, both dripping and dried. Every breath was disgusting, his body lurching to stay alive. It looked as though at any moment his body would simply rip and fall off of the cross, his skin and muscles looked so weak. It must have been unbearable pain. I did not know what to do or say. I was at a loss for how to approach this once beautiful and gentle man. And without even thinking I asked, "Well, is there anything I can do for you?" More quickly than I would have guessed, and with his eyes shut Jesus answered, "I could actually use a few vicodin." In an instant the whole scene changed and I found myself speaking with the once again humorous, yet informative, son of man. I finally got it. All I had to do was ease his pain. And to get there all I needed to do was ask some simple questions. Lesson learned. This is how I must deal with the people in my life. Most of the anger that I see stems from some sort of past painful experience or continuing painful experience. And even though everyone is different and every situation is different, asking a few simple questions will often lead in the right direction to solving the problem. But I still felt a little uneasy about my dreams and dealing with absurd situations. As if he could see what I was thinking, in fact as if he was reading my mind, Jesus said to me, "Do not worry about being right and wrong. There is no right or wrong answer. And there are going to be absurd situations that you have to deal with. Nevertheless, all you can do is seek to alleviate the pain by asking questions and formulating a plan of action. The only "right" way to go about all of this is to follow your heart." Wow, I thought, I guess that's it. Jesus continued, "That is all I can do for you, and they say I'm God. The rest is up to you, buddy."

So that is what I learned this weekend and that is what I seek to bring back to the Center. There is a lot of anger and fear in our lives. With that comes the possibility of violence and absurd situations. For the most part I am not in control of what kind of people or what kind of situations present themselves to me. Therefore I cannot do anything about that. But when I do engage these people and situations I must be willing to ask questions so that I can hopefully alleviate some of the pain that they feel. I may not always be right, but as long as I stick to my heart I can never go wrong.

Dignity and Respect

Some of the meetings that we have had (Friday meetings) have really turned out well. About a month ago we had a meeting in which all we did was share something special with the group. Some people brought in readings, some people brought in pictures and others simply brought in stories to share. A lot of people came and just about everyone had something to bring to the group. What I thought was the best part of the deal was that people opened up like I have not seen before. The things that they brought to the group really meant something to them, and I could tell. I think the group could tell too, because as soon as one person opened up others felt comfortable too. I walked home beaming, knowing that something really good just happened.

Today we had a meeting in which the guys got to talk about self-advocacy. They are getting the chance tomorrow to speak with people from the conferences, representing the Center as well as homelessness in general. Today was our pregame meeting, a chance to prepare thoughts and ideas. The guys opened up, just as before, and we discussed many topics. What we wanted to do was talk about the things that make people homeless and the things that keep them there. A number of ideas came up, such as legal problems and the type of behavior that the streets promote (stealing, lying, etc.) More importantly we discussed the relationsip between the haves and have nots. That is, those with money and resources to help and those who are homeless. There were two main ideas that came from these brainstorms.

The first is the idea of respect. One man said that above anything he would teach his fellow peers self-respect. This before mathematics, biology, economics, etc. That is how important the idea of respect is. It is the idea of having a little bit of pride, not too much but enough to promote self-sufficiency. In addition to this idea is that the guys want to feel respected by everyone else. Not just each other but by the rest of society. They want people to know and understand their stories. They want to be able to wear acceptable clothes and have better teeth. In sum, they want to be respected. If others can see that homeless people are human too, then the gap that separates them becomes that much smaller.

The second idea is related, and if not more important than the first then at least more foundational. It is the idea of sharing experiences. The idea of inviting those with the money and resources to walk with the homeless guys. It is only in sharing with each other that we can really understand each other. If people would actually come down to the Center and see for themselves what is going then maybe that would ignite the flame to help. If only people were forced to put themselves in the shoes of the homeless, then they would understand what it takes to prevent people from becoming homeless and in addition how to help them get out of homelessness. I say that the two ideas are related because when people come together and walk together, and therefore start undertanding each other, then they can start to respect each other.

So today was a good day and I hope that tomorrow goes just as well, with some actual results. It seems to me that if we can get the homeless together with those who have some resources, we all have enough common sense and altruism to figure out a way to help.

psychology

It has been difficult for me at times to connect with the people I work with. This is not something that I feel bad about, but something that I do wish to change. The problem, in my eyes, stems from the different backgrounds from which we come. I have never had to worry about a place to sleep, where my next meal was coming from, drug abuse all around me, etc. I have only had to worry about how my athletic team was performing, what private college I was going to attend and what kind of grades I needed to achieve. I do not think I will receive a lot of challenge if argue that these are quite different worries.

So how can a person like me help those whose psychology is so different? Our lives are lived in our heads. This is where we process our perceptions, formulate reactions and then actually thrust our decisions into existence. So while we do live in the physical world and people can see what we are like on the outside (because of the things we say and DO), everything that invloves our living must pass through our brains. Our individual psychologies have everything to do with how we live our lives. Therefore, in order to help those with whom I work, I must understand where they come from and why they do the things they do. The guys who come to the shelter will have much different thought patterns than I would use. So how do I understand people with different minds than myself?

This year has been important to me in two important ways. The first is that I have been exposed to literature and ideas that deal with social justice. I think that it is easy to get lost in mainstream society. That is, when we do not have to worry about the basic necessities of life we begin to worry only about the extras and forget that many people (in fact most of the world) do have to worry about food, shelter, etc. Luckily, being involved with JVC has exposed me to writers, articles and people who advocate for these kinds of causes. What is important is the exposure. Ignorance is one of the biggest barriers to creating equality in our society. It is not so much that we are dealing with a bunch of greedy people (although this is a problem), but that the many people do not know what it is actually like (besides some romantic vision of homelessness on TV) to be homeless and living in poverty. I say this because I believe that people have good enough hearts that if they really knew how bad life is for the homeless population they would offer some kind of help.

The other important experience that I have had this year is even more important than reading an article or talking to a peer. It is the actual physical exposure that I have had down at the Center and in places such as Tijuana. We need to see things to really feel them. We need to smell them too. We need to eat the meals that homeless people eat day in and day out. When I left Tijuana I felt broken. When I leave the Center some days I feel helpless. We need to have these feelings to help motivate us to act. I do not think that sitting on our yacht or spending time at the summer home will motivate us to give something up. In all honestly that life is just too good, too hard to give up. We need the actual homeless exposure.

And so to hopefully wrap things up a bit, these are the two experiences that have helped me identify with the guys at the Center. This may sound a bit simple, but it is not. We can all talk about immersing ourselves, but to actually do it is what is hard. As a member of JVC and the Center I have been forced to read the literature that deals with homelessness and poverty. Working in the Center has forced me to look at and smell homelessness every day. I cannot forget it (as much as I sometimes I want to). I still do not understand everyone perfectly, and I know that I never will. But it is good to be able to identify where people are coming from and why they are acting the way they do. If anything it keeps me in check. And this is why I believe anyone who says they really want to help must stay current on what is being written and must volunteer their time with the homeless. It is the only way to understand the problem and get motivation to actually help.

Mexico

I had the opportunity this weekend to have dinner in Tijuana. One reason to go there is for the outrageously cheap food. Another reason is for perspective. I did not believe that an imaginary boundary could cause such a physical, social and cultural difference is such a short geographical distance. It is as if the sun shines a little differently once you cross the border. Not only does Tijuana look different (temporary walls for walkways falling down everywhere, boarded windows on many of the buildings), but it smells different. Once across the border there is a huge, visible sewage conduit that also serves as housing for the homeless. The beggars are no longer only adults, but little children who walk up to you, run into you and then walk with you as they beg for anything you may have. One cannot get angry with this behavior. As I walked through the streets with my friend she explained to me what she had learned of the human trafficking problem. Eight to twelve year old girls are told that they are getting help to cross the boarder only to end up in a back alley where they will spend the next years of their life offering services to men 3 or 4 times their age. Until they contract a disease of course. Soon they offer only blank stares and their dehumanized bodies, and arenot even given the right to talk. No one does anything about it.

I left Mexico with a pain inside me, with a sadness that I feel has attached itself and has no desire to leave. I suppose this is a good thing. Until now I did not understand the different faces that poverty wears. I would never identify was I saw and experienced in Tijuana as the same as what I work with here. This does not change or lessen our problem. What it has made me realize is that we DO have government programs that help our poor (even though I am critical of the relative budgets we have for defense vs. education, health care, social services, etc. - we still offer some relief). And we DO have non-governmental programs such as St. Vincent de Paul. Now, there may be some help in Mexico, but we do some good things here that they do not. There are services for the homeless, mentally ill and addicted of Oakland, we just have to get people using them. And as we are doing that hopefully we can start making the social changes that seek to reduce poverty, homelessness and addiction.

I do not even know where I would start in Tijuana. But I am glad that I am working with a program like JVC and that I am placed with St. Vincent de Paul. We have the ability to do good things each day and make changes that will hopefully stick well into the future.

ennablement?

I have a hard time sometimes discerning whether or not I am helping the guys or hurting them. It seems to me that there is only a fine line between empowering people and ennabling them. For example: bus tickets. We give out a number of bus tickets each month so the guys can go to doctors' appointments, interviews, etc. For the most part I have no problem doing this. But I often can tell that some of the guys have spent the money they did have on booze, drugs or some other expenditure that is probably not too wise. Now, I suppose it is not my job to judge the actions of the men. I am not going to say that they are bad or stupid or anything like that. But I do get annoyed that we spend money on bus tickets, which in the long run ennables guys to spend money on things other than transportation because they know they can come to us and get a "free" bus pass if they are out of money. The way I see it we at some point need to let natural law run its course. Meaning: if you spend all your money on booze then you will have to suffer the consequences of missing your doctor's appointment because you have no money anymore for transportation. This is a rule that we follow in "normal" society. I would not be a judge in this situation, I would only be allowing cause and effect to do its thing.

So do I still give out bus tickets, within reason, to everyone who needs them? Yes. Why is this so? There are a number of problems with the above thinking, or at least some reasons to still give the guys tickets. The first reason is that I cannot always identify what the guys have spent their money on, if they have any. In fact, for the most part I can really never know exactly what they have spent their money on. I can only make educated guesses. I also think to myself that maybe this doctors' appointment or maybe this interview will finally push the guy to change. Maybe that one bus ticket will be the difference between despair and recovery. It is a simple hope, but a strong one. A third reason why I still decide to give bus tickets is that even though I get annoyed with this violation of cause and effect, I feel I must take into consideration that these guys have a certain background and because of this they deserve extra time to change. Maybe they are not ready right now to make the leap into recovery, but that bus ticket may keep them alive long enough to get to a better place.

I am sure there are many more arguments for and against giving away bus tickets. The point is that in everything we do we must decide if we are helping people or hurting them. And although it seems like it may be easy to figure this out, it is not. Reason does not always work and therefore we must often look to our hearts. I know that I, for one, often do this, which causes me to act differently than my brain would have me. Read: give away tickets because I simply cannot say no. Maybe this is pity, maybe empathy, I do not know. I also did not know that the seemingly simple job of giving away bus tickets could become so complex.

rich man, poor man

This past weekend I had the opportunity to visit theYosemite and Monterey Bay areas. They each offered their own unique perspectives into the beauty of nature, but one aspect of the experience that ruffled me up a little bit was passing the houses on 17-mile drive. As Steve and I wound our way past Pebble Beach and along the coastline (paying $8.50 along the way) we could not help but notice how extravagantly all the houses were built. As social workers these are the kind of things that bother us.

But upon further thinking I had to wonder to myself why we were condemning these people. So they have a lot of money and decide to spend it on big, expensive houses. They have the money, don't they? In all likelihood they probably earned it. And even if they inherited the money why should they be sorry for that? We do not know what it is like to have that much money, how do we know how we would act if we had it (you know how it goes...everyone is a democrat when they are young but as soon as they make a little money it is not long thereafter that they start voting Republican)? Anyway, even with these questions I still find myself resentful of the extravagantly rich. There has to be some kind of altruistic gene in all of us, right?

Here is what actually gets to me. We work with the desperately poor every day. A lot of the guys are probably not considered very good people. Lying, cheating, stealing (not to mention the occasional whisperings of homicide) are norms at the center. But in spite of all of this, I find myself continually giving the guys the benefit of the doubt at every moment. Why? Because I (we) am of the belief that the guys aren't necessarily bad, they just caught a bad break. It is not their fault that their mothers took drugs while they were pregnant, they were born into poverty, they were exposed to drugs, alcohol and violence from an early age on. And because of this I believe that the guys should be given a break for once in their life. Maybe we can reverse the ills of our society that have stood since slavery and continued throughout immigration. Maybe giving someone a chance will help them make a change in his life.

Now we have to think about the opposite side of this argument. Many of the people who own the large, extravagant, expensive houses grew up with wealthy parents, good food, cars to drive, good education, good health care, etc. The point is that rich people are as socially conditioned as poor people. Am I to condemn them for following what they know and continuing to live a good life? I would never think of condemning one of the guys...

Here is the problem for me (and I am guessing everyone else). We cannot accept someone's behavior simply because that is how they were raised or that is "the way things are." That is like saying it is ok for a parent to beat their child because that parent was abused when he or she was a child. It is not acceptable, the cycle must stop somewhere. But there definitely is a tension with how we should work with people who may be able to live better lives, whether that be one of the guys breaking free from homelessness and addiction or educating the wealthy on how to live with more equality with those who are less fortunate (of course this is how I see things, others may have different views on what is right and what is wrong, etc.). So how do we balance or relieve this tension? How do you say to someone, "You're great and I accept you, but we have to make a change to you for the better?" That seems like such an odd statement to me, a contradiction in terms. And who am I to judge anyway?

On a more metaphysical level, this issue seems to me to be one that underlies all human behavior, most likely stemming from the "crisis" of consciousness. We are always changing, developing, etc. Some like to talk about the act of becoming. We are always moving from this to that, molding new selves out of old selves, tweaking our structures a little bit here and there. This process is endless, in fact built into the very nature of our existence. We cannot help wanting to always become faster, smarter, more comfortable, etc. In a word, better. So the crisis is that (for the most part unconsciously) we ceaselessly desire to be someone else, someone better than who we are. In that very desire we deny who we are now, at this very moment, and because of this feel a little bit guitly. This is the exact feeling that arises when we tell someone that we accept them but need them to change for the better. The fine print is really saying I do not accept you as you are and you should feel bad about that.

So what can we do? I do not suppose to know all the answers, but at the Center what we say is, "Hey, I love you but we have to do something here." I don't think this really solves the problem, but hopefully it is on the way. I think what the above quotation is really saying is, "I realize that you come from a certain background that may lead you to have certain behaviors. But there exists outside of your experience (and that of rich people) a world not subject to social conditioning (God I hope this is true) that contains real truths and real goodness. And this world will not judge you based on your upbringing, color of your skin, background, etc. and if you so wish to live in it you will probably find a lot of happiness. But...you cannot bring the fakeness of social conditioning into this world, because that would break the rules of the world (of course there are always conditions). So please work with me to break the habits and ways of life that are detrimental to your well being and the well being of others, leave the old world behind and come and join this new, good world."

When I read that over it sounds like a bunch of idealistic, crazy ramblings. But I think that is how things might have to work. And without giving a lot of concrete examples, that is what we are hopefully saying when we try to help the guys out of homelessness. I really believe that world exists somewhere, the world we talk about when we use the phrase "heaven on earth," and one that should at some point start to form if everyone who claims to be christian starts follwing the precepts of christianity. So I guess I do not really know what to do (in the best possible way) to help these guys out. From now on I am just going to try and be nice (and firm I suppose when that is needed).

ugly American

I am the epitome of the ugly American.

At least as appearances go. I grew up upper-middle class in small town Wisconsin, the son of a physician. Everything I needed was provided for me. I drove a car in high school. So did my brother, sister, step-brother and step-sister. We all had our own. I went to Boston College, a private university in Boston. My siblings also attended a private university, Marquette in Milwaukee. We were able to see each other often because we could afford the airfare. I am white, healthy and have a different set of clothes to wear each day of the week. I do laundry when I run out of clean underwear. This takes over two weeks. I eat meat whenever I wish. If I go a day without having three meals and some snacks inbetween I feel deprived. When I feel sick or have an injury I see the doctor without a thought. I can afford insurance. I go from A to B without worrying because I can always find a car to use. If not I have money to use the BART or catch the bus. It costs over $5 to go to San Francisco and back. I have this money if I wish to see the Lichenstein exhibit at the MOMA. When I fall asleep at night there is a roof over my head. When I wake up I walk straight to the shower. I do not have to share my soap with anyone and the water is always hot. If it was not I would curse. I get to choose what I eat in the morning, in the afternoon and at night. I eat popcorn when I watch rented movies. I have the time to build a table for leisure. I do not think about selling it because I do not need the money.

I walked into a room full of Latin American day laborers. I could not speak their language. I had clean clothes to wear. My hands were not beat up from manual labor. I arrived and left in a suburban. I felt uncomfortable. I realized that the social standing I held for my entire life, that I always tried to hold on to, meant nothing. I could not decide whether to participate in their shared meal or not. Would it be noble to refrain? Or would it be pompous? Would it be better to save a meal for someone else or share in the experience? I ate the food. Everyone was provided for. I felt people looking at me. I wondered if the color of my skin meant anything to them. Was I being paraoid? Over-analytical? The men learned about work safety. Steve told me that that was a good thing. I agreed. Contractors continually manipulate and take advantage of immigrants. It makes me angry. I have a nice house because unregistered immigrants do the work no one else wants to do. It keeps our economy running.

I do not apologize for where I came from. I do not ask those who are poor to apologize for where they came from. That would be ridiculous.

human interaction

I am sure everyone knows that the past weekend was Easter. As I sat in church listening to the reading of the Passion, I could not help but think of Nietzsche's commentary on the clash that took place two thousand years ago between Jesus of Nazareth and Pontius Pilate. In simplified terms Nietzsche sets out to explain the interaction between those with power, masters, and those without, slaves. The masters are noble and believe in the strong and beautitul while the slaves are ignoble and believe in the weak and ugly. In his terms it was the slave morality of the Judeo-Christian ethical system that created the idea that only those who are weak, poor and marginalized are able to enter eternal paradise in heaven. This idea contradicted the master morality of the Roman Empire.

As many have probably guessed, Jesus became the pinnacle of the tension between the two opposed moral systems. It is in His meeting with Pilate that the drama reaches it height:

Jesus answered, "For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the
world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears
My voice." Pilate said to Him, "What is truth?"
-John 18:37-38

What we see here is a complete misunderstanding between Jesus and Pilate. Neither one of them understands what the other believes because they have been brought up in different cultures. Their truths are opposite and therefore, in a way, meaningless to one another. Truth, because here we are looking at human-created ethical truth, has become arbitrary. It is as if they were speaking different languages. I am not trying to assert that there is no such thing as absolute truth or that there is no way for people from different backgrounds to communicate with each other. I think that history has proven otherwise. This is simply an analysis of what seems to have happened during the meeting of Pilate and Jesus.

We know how the story ends. Jesus was crucified, but with the conversion of the Roman Empire to Christianity in the 4th century the Judeo-Christian tradition inserted itself into that of the Roman Empire and has asserted its influence ever since. What I am interested in is the drama between Pilate and Jesus and they stand face to face discussing what they believe. In a sense we have two opposed ethical systems, but they are simply ideals. In reality we see two men, in their backgrounds, peronalities, experiences, etc. humanly dealing with the disconnect that has formed between two divergent cultures. I love to think of the enormous weight that played itself out through two simple men, people like you and me.

And that brings us to what is present in my experience and in others' experiences who come to the Center. Everyone who comes through the door has a different story, background, personality, etc. Even more evident is that the people who serve often times have completely different truths than those they are serving. I know that I personally do not have much in common (in many ways) with the men who come into the Center. But this is not an excuse to that we can use when communication does not work or when conflicts arise. We must find a way to hold true to ourselves, to remember where we come from, to celebrate everything that makes us who we are while at the same time changing the things that hold us back and integrating helpful information that will allow us move forward in life. It is a tension that threads itselt through every part of our experience as human beings. When should we let go and when should we hold on (I suppose most evidently in a game of poker - Kenny Rogers has a song). Anyway, I do not think that our interactions ever reach the scale of Jesus and Pilate, with repercussions lasting thousands of years. But I do think it is important to remember the human, flesh and blood component of all our interactions. And that we should never give too much weight to our ideals and systems, because every time we deal with someone it is a particular situation that does not simply contain ideas and converging systems, but two souls.

Soul Art

As I have previously mentioned (I think), we now hold regular meetings on Fridays in which we discuss life issues and how the Center is running. Some of the topics have included Leonardo's Vitruvian Man, hydrogen bonding and The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. I look forward to other interesting discussions in the future. The plan for our next meeting is to do art therapy through the Health Through Art Project. I think it is a great idea, something that the guys could really get into and something in which I would also like to participate (even though my art skills are minimal at most).

But as you have probably guessed we do not have art supplies readily available at St. Vincent de Paul (actually you would think that we would have this stuff donated, but I guess not). This is a problem. In order for our guys to enter the peaceful art contest they need items that are used in artwork (this is really rocket science), such as medium to heavy weight paper, foam board, markers, acrylic paints, colored pencils and things of that nature. Now, the reason I am writing this blog is to talk about a small detail in this whole story. I did not know what I was going to do to get supplies. It turns out that it really does not take much: call art supplies stores, tell them you work for a non-profit organization and ask for donations of damaged items. They are more than willing to help, most likely because it is a tax write-off.

The point of this blog, the little detail I want to talk about, is that of all things today setting up this relationship withthe art stores is what really made me happy. I found myself smiling as I got off the phone, smiling as I drove to speak with the people who run the stores. And I don't really know why it touched me so much.

Not Running the Center

I would like to say that running the center "happens" much more by itself than anything else. I suppose the idea is similar to Adam Smith's invisible hand in capitalism. And like capitalism the result is often tumultuous and self-serving. This is not to say that the little things I do, or the things Steve does, or anyone else are not important. Contrary to that idea it is the little things, everyone's little actions and decisions that control the way everything works. And even though the basis for action (just about all action in the center) is selfishness, it is not rare to find some altruism here and there. I wonder why this is so.

One point I would like to make is that it is impressive that we have homeless volunteers at the Center. They come off the streets, needing nothing but money (and the clothes, etc. that come with it) and still work for nothing, for the most part just to help out. I am impressed.

Running the Center

I have been given some gruff for not keeping up with the blog. Two reactions: 1) Sorrow for not keeping up my part of the bargain 2) Surprise that people were disappointed. To update the world on what is going on at the Center I will talk about some duties that presented themselves with the absence of "Stephen Krank - Men's Center Guru."

Dealing with four men who all want to rent a two-person apartment. Organizing a group of 12 college students who need to perform 3-4 different activities throughout a day period. Signing clothing vouchers. Making appointments for fixing the washing machine. Learning lessons: 1) Check out whether an appliance really needs to be fixed 2) Schedule all appointments as early in the day as possible. These two simple steps help to limit the number of 12-hour work days. Breaking up a fight. Spreading bus tickets evenly among all the guys in the Center. Signing vouchers for the Phoenix Winter Shelter Program. Writing letters to the shelter when guys miss a night but still want to remain in the program. Helping St. Vincent de Paul promote thrift store sales. Organizing with Rebecca an Alternate Spring Break trip for students from UC Riverside. Writing and sending the Center's Committee letter. Creating a bus ticket tracking sheet. Opening the Center every day. Printing name tags for the interns of the Center. Making sure two of the guys successfully make it to a paid job (which turned out great). Facilitating Enrichemnt Discussions with Dante. Filling out Homeless Court forms. Struggling through an incident with properly signing clothing vouchers. Closing the Center every day.

In reality, I feel as though I did not have to do that much. The Center really does run itself because the guys do all the work. I feel as though I just have to sit back and every now and then use the miniscule amount of authority that I do have to help get something done. More than anything I have come to respect the duties that come when one has to deal with the politics and technicalities of a job while balancing them with direct service to the guys. I am glad that Steve is back and will not forget the continuing lessons of life that I learn at the Center, most of which are impossible to learn from a book. This is the real thing. I do not claim to have any of the answers, but I have been exposed to a lot of the questions. Living through them has become my way of life.

A Quiet Empty

It has been about a week and a half since Tyrone left us. Steve has been gone for a week. At this moment the Center is quite a different place than it was at a certain moment a month ago, two months ago, etc. Kind of silly to think about. Things are different. But is that really that crazy of a thought? Who really expects things to stay the same? Why do we do this? What is it about nostalgia that is so attractive? One would think that freedom and opportunity and possibility would be a bigger draw. Maybe they are. Maybe we move constantly back and forth from what lies behind to what lies ahead. But then, of course, what happens to the present? Does anyone pay attention to now?

For now I am content with the way things are going. Dante has taken on a leadership role in the Center, no one has died (I suppose not that funny, but we have to be able to laugh sometimes) and we have been able to remain on schedule while taking care of all the extra responsibilities that come to us each day. In addition the Center has been quiet because it is the beginning of the month and in general the guys seem to be a little more relaxed than usual.

This morning we read the story in which Jesus heals the paraplegic who was lowered through the roof of the house in which he was teaching. Surrounded by followers and other interested individuals (including the wicked Pharisees) Jesus proclaims that he forgives the man of his sins. This is apparently unaccpetable to the Pharisees because only God can forgive people. Of course this does not bother Jesus. As the Son of Man (read: as a human being), as a son of man he forgives the man because that is what we should to each other. As it says in the Our Father, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us." In the Prayer of St. Francis it says, "it is in forgiving that one is forgiven." I think anyone can see what is going on here. Forgiveness is a reciprocal process. It is something that we do for others and at the same time something that we do for ourselves. In a sense we are all connected (there are many faiths that stress this idea). A theme of The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky is that we are guilty before all and everyone else is guilty before us. Only when we remember our common predicament, that we are all capable of evil, can we come to understand that forgiveness in all situations is the only answer. Because no matter how much we want to admit it we are already guilty too. Forgiveness is what love would do. Forgiveness is the action of love.

Much Ado

There has been a plethora of events and happenings in the week since I last wrote, and not just small things, but changing of the Center things. I am not going to go into detail right now, because it is not what I am feeling, but just want to mention it. The first is that Tyrone will no longer be with us. That is all I am going to say at this time. The second is that Steve is participating in a two week service trip to Ecuador. He is helping a group of people build an orphanage. So in a matter of about I week I have found myself with much greater responsibility at the Center. Not something that is necessarily scary, because there are so many other people who do things here, but definitely an exciting challenge. I look forward to working more closely with all the people in the St. Vincent de Paul organization and also the guys here at the Center who are taking on more responsibility and facing their challenges.

What I want to do today is reflect on some of my thoughts from the Wednesday spiritual gathering. NOTE: after being interrupted by the events of the day I am back to write my thoughts...six hours later. We reflected on psalm 139. There first theme that struck me was that for God "light and darkness are the same." I suppose I have heard things similar to this before but what does this really mean? It seems to be an attack on the institution of relativity, an idea created by Einstein and empirically supported by innumerable experiments thereafter. Does God experience the world differently than us? I guess that has an obvious answer. But does this idea of light and darkness also mean that up is the same as down? Hot the same as cold? Does left become right? Right become wrong? Love become hatred? Good become evil?

My problem is this. At the end of the psalm the author talks about having a perfect hatred for those who have a hatred of God (as if God is somehow hurt by this hatred?). Anyway, it really bothered me because of the contradiction with the New Testament and the teachings of Jesus. They are the exact opposite. But then I thought to myself that God sees light as darkness and darkness as light and so must see love as hatred and hatred as love. So maybe in the end everything is OK. I don't know. For us, as humans, this is a dangerous doctrine, because we may be led to believe that everything comes out in the wash, everything is basically OK. But we must remember that we are not God (hey, for some of us this can be hard) so the same rules do not apply. Our world, apparently unlike that of God, is ruled by relativity, on the grandest scales right down to the smallest most basic particles. Even so, we must follow the sociopolitial, ethical and moral rules that make sure everyone lives fairly and equally. We must look to some sort of absolute, even if it does not apply to God, to guide our decisions. Hopefully for the sake of humanity the absolute we use as a guide is love. I would not want it to be hatred.

sin and mercy...oh know, serious subject

Today we had a wonderful discussion of sin and mercy. Two phrases really stuck out in my mind. The first is the feeling that sin stares us in the face. The second is the idea is the (hopeful) return from exile after we sin. These help create a good image in my mind, but like many others I find a need to conjure up my own.

I picture two points in space, one is God and one is myself. Funny how we always like to say that God is IN everything and everyone, but I suppose when thinking of sin I must separate my actions from God (this is a conversation all in itself). So it goes. I stand on a pathway, bottomless pits on either side. I have the choice of facing God or turning away (I guess it is not difficult to figure out where this is going). Moving towards God is doing what is right and making good decisions, whatever those may be. Moving away from God is sin. Fairly simple picture.

But there is some interesting structure to this image. As we move away from God the path becomes narrower. It naturally follows that as we move towards God the path becomes wider. This is interesting for a number of reasons. The first is that this structure implies that it is easier or more simple to move towards God (in the least it should be more desirous). Not only that but as we move towards God it should become easier and easier (this reminds me of calculus, rates of change, derivatives, etc...God must be in calculus). But is this our experience? In reality it often seems easier to sin and "Godwork" can be hard.

Thinking of Dante helps me out here. We must remember his upward movement through purgatory. Going up a mountain is not easy, it is definitely hard work, often times leaving us exhausted. This is the representation of battling sin, of not always doing what is easy and often times wrong, but instead doing what is right. But remember what happens as Dante faces the respective sins on each level of the mountain. After he understands each sin and in a sense repents, he is made lighter each time. Going up the mountain is hard, but as he gets closer to God it becomes easier and easier, until finally Dante becomes weightless. Well, the idea is the same with the path and the pit. Moving towards God is not always the easiest choice, but as we do get closer the path becomes wider and we see more puppy dogs and ice cream.

The other interesting idea is this. As we move away from God the path becomes narrower. It follows that if we sin long and bad enough the path will eventually become so narrow and small that it occupies a single point in space (I know a point has no dimensions, but for the sake of the image please work with me). For me this is why the idea of sin staring us in the face is so dramatic. When we sin we are moving to that one point in space, that evil eye that is so terrifying. It is so small and so empty of God. And when it looks at us we are completely naked, stripped to the soul. But in a way that in not beautiful, only ugly and crippled. That is hell, that is Satan.

So where does mercy and justice come in? Following from the structure so far created, justice is the natural feeling of sorrow and angst as we move away from God. It is built into the the bad and wrong decisions that we make. Simply stated, as we sin we will move ourselves further and further away from God. Mercy is the idea that when we turn toward God, God is always waiting, ready to accept us. God will be there for eternity, open arms forever. We also see mercy in the path that widens, making the path easier as we go. There is support as we get closer, there is a natual incentive to move towards God.

One more idea. How does this relate to the Center? Well, for me I suppose God is the ultimate example, the most intimate identification being the person and life of Jesus Christ. Following His lead I need to always have open arms. I must always be here ready to help, do what is necessary to guide the men from the suffocating experience of homelessness to the puppy dogs and bubble gum of independence and self-sufficiency (of course it is not this simplified and easy, but once again for the sake of the image). Justice is the idea that the guys must always be allowed to make their own decisions, which will often times lead them into despair. It is not my duty to make the decisions for them, and in fact the only way in which the guys can make any progress, to move towards God if you will, is to let them make their own choice, to do it themselves. So it goes.

Not as boring as yesterday...I hope

This morning a group of us got together for a spiritual discussion. It was a great way to begin the day, even though I got up an hour earlier than I usually do. We will do this for the next couple of weeks on Wednesday mornings. I would say who makes up the group, but in the spirit of the book I just read that involves secret organizations, Foucault's Pendulum, no one gets to know. We have lots of secrets to hide.

Anyway, the reading for the day was the Prodigal Son from Luke's gospel. I am sure that I do not have to tell the story, even those who are not religious are most likely familiar with the basic plot. There is a lot about materialism, forgiveness, redemption and all that good stuff. There is the prodigal son, the father, the resentful son, the evil pigs and a great feast. I think I have covered everything, if not the bible is the most published book on the entire earth, I think everyone can get their hands on one.

The meditation and then discussion revolved around our relationship with God and who exactly we see God as in our lives. When listening to the story I immediately began analyzing the characters. I felt a need to quantify my experience so that I could make myself fit into the story. This is after all one of the most famous parables Jesus ever told. There must be something or someone I could relate to, I should obviously be able to learn something. Am I the prodigal son, the example of materialism? The hard-working resentful son who gets angry mostly out of ignorance? The evil pigs? The father, the representation of God, forgiveness and acceptance (I wish)? Really, I feel as though I fit one or more of these descriptions at different times in my life (as we all do). I see myself as some sort of sinusoidal wave. The x-axis is time or my life experience. The y-axis represents good and bad, up being good/God and down being bad/evil. What I hope to do is raise the mean level of the wave. We are all going to have ups and downs, my goal is to simply make the goods things better and the bad things not so bad.

This all skirts around what I really want to say. All this thinking is not important. Ironically and paradoxically thinking led me to the conclusion that thinking about God it not where I make any sort of connection with God. The earliest believers did not even have a word for God (if they did they were not allowed to use it). Why is this? Why is it that with the advent of speech and writing, systems that allow us to communicate our ideas and beliefs, semantic and symbolic representation of God is outlawed? Because they are not good enough to express the FEELING of what God is. Our rational creations do not do God justice. So thinking about how I fit into this religious story about forgiveness and redemption and thinking about my relationship with God is just not going to cut it. I need to focus on my feelings, not my thoughts. On what it feels like to smile and laugh with someone. What it feels like to give a hug. To help someone with a physical ailment. To sit down and have a good conversation with friends and family over dinner. To kiss someone. To walk outside early in the day and feel the sun on my back, hear the birds in the trees and smell the air with the morning dew. There are so many feelings we have that are good, that are beautiful. These are what I want to attribute to God. These are what I want to not think about but let sit in my heart, in my soul and evolve.

"Oh, I don't know..."

Usually when I write this blog I feel like I have something to say, I feel "moved" if you will. Unfortunately I have not had this feeling in a while. I suppose that is why I have not written anything. This is not to say that nothing is happening, on the contrary the opposite is quite true. When I sit down and think about it I believe that the issue must be de-sensitization. When I first started here everything was new. I tried not to have any pre-conceived notions about what I would see and experience so at every juncture, at every turn of events I saw things for the first time. I would not say that I was surprised, but there was a definite feeling of wonder. I f0und myself constantly thinking, "oh, that is how is it." I don't really know what I am trying to say, but there it is.

Last weekend I went back to Boston College to see some of my friends. It was great to get back "home" and hang out with some familiar faces. It was the 15th Reunion of the Heightsmen so I got to see everyone from that group as well. I am glad it was so easy to slip back into the college lifestyle, but maybe that's because I didn't have any classes to attend or papers to write. It's funny how different that lifestyle is and again I must say that throughout this year I must have been de-sensitized because as I came back here I felt as though this was home. Indeed I suppose it truly is, at least for now. The only thing that has been hard is that I have had a cold for two weeks now (which means it most likely is not a cold). I could kick myself for not seeing the free doctor last Friday, who happens to come every two weeks. What an idiot.

Other than that, Homeless Court is this Friday. In the past I would have been thinking about it a lot, but going along with our theme here, it doesn't get me that excited (of course I still realize it's a great thing). What makes it interesting now is that other people, the guys, get pretty crazy. They start hearing that there is a court where they can get all their cases dismissed and it's going on right here this Friday. Sounds too good to be true. Well, in a sense it is. People cannot just sign up today and see the judge on Friday. They can sign up now, write a personal letter, get documentation and have us fill out a progress report and in most cases the judge will be more than happy to see them in April. But of course this is not good enough. Things need to happen now. Or it must be that for some reason I am trying to slow the process down because I have some issue with one of the guys. All I can do is laugh, but that does not go over too well either because then I am laughing at other peoples' problems. No win.

Things are cool though. We are starting a little mentoring program in which we have weekly meetings with the guys who volunteer here. I am doing a lot of work for it and am going to facilitate some of the first meetings. I get to research topics of discussion and make some plans for the meetings, which I have found I really enjoy doing. I look forward to sitting down with the guys and just talking about regular things and fun things. I am sure there will be more to say in the future.

Relieved Tension

As I look at my experiences the last few weeks (and actually throughout my life) I see the presence of a lot of tension. This is not bad, this is just the way life is. We are constantly climbing up and down mountains, tightening and loosening our respective ropes. I suppose this is why people are so attracted to great works of music. At the opera we can listen to a sour dissonance relieve itself into a comfortable harmony - over and over again. And the best part is that we do not have to think about it, we can just feel it as it unconsiciously sinks into our skin.

For example, this weekend I participated in re-orientation for JVC in which all 90 of us from California and Arizona got together to renew our commitment to community, simplicity, social justice and spirituality. The theme of the retreat was the peak oil crisis. The idea is that we have already used 1 trillion of the 2 trillion barrels of oil that are in existence, meaning that in a short while the world is going to drastically change - and not for the better (it depends how you want to look at it of course). Many believe the rich will become richer and the poor poorer, more exploitation of labor, movement into more simple lives, the death of the SUV, people may even have to cut down to one car per family (gasp). I think we all get the idea. With a loss of our main energy source comes a narrowing of our current existence. Some believe the impending doom is close at hand, others believe we will be ok.

Here is our first tension. Do we look at this (possible) crisis and think to ourselves how can we fix it? What new technology can we come out with? How can we make sure that even with the decrease availability of oil we can go on living our lives with the same prosperity? Or, should we say that the problem does not lie in an oil shortage, but with the gargantuan expectations that we now hold having grown up in 20th Century America? We do not so much need to make sure technology keeps up with our desires, we have to take a look at our apparent needs and identify them for what they are - superfulous wants. This is a huge tension, something that we are going to have to face no matter what, especially if we are ever to live more spiritual lives.

Another tension. I spent the week talking to fellow JVs who were taken aback by the impending doom (I actually do not think it is going to be that crazy). They were completely freaking out. But even with all the serious talk, I felt surrounded by some of the most idealistic people I know. I heard more that once, "I want to change the world." For real. The problem is that we can get to thinking like that because we are surrounded once again by all white, middle class, college graduates who often only need to worry about where we are going to school next year or what international program we are going to enter into. This is not a bad thing, we should use our blessings in the best ways possible. I just always remember that when I get back to work I am not surrounded by the same people anymore. They have different histories and different desires and expectations. This world is a little bit harder. So I guess there is this confrontation of idealism and reality, something that we must continually face. To be completely idealistic is not very smart because then you are not living in the real world, just a created, foundationless dream. To get stuck in reality or "the way things are" is equally dangerous, because change would never happen if we thought this way all the time. So there is of course a great balancing act, and moderation is key. I suppose this is not new ground, but it helps to find and experience concrete examples as we live life.

The Buzz

God is not here for us. We do not do religion or spirituality to get something. These ideas came up in a discussion I had with Steve and they kind of hit me, set my mind on fire. To even make these statements one must make a huge assumption. That we, humans, are the center of the universe. Really. They are very egotistical statements. And I do not think that they are benign at all. People really think this stuff. Just look at the gospels. Everything Jesus taught about doing good, loving others, loving God, etc. was put into context. If you follow me, if you love the Lord your God, if you love your neighbor as yourself then you will have eternal life in paradise. Then you will go to heaven. Why do we need that then? I can see a few possibilities. The first is that as humans we are too juvenile to act good without some sort of reward. I guess that does not say much about us. The second is that there really is a God, sitting in His throne, judging us as we do right and wrong. In that case, the only way to get to heaven would be to do what is right. Jesus was just letting us know. The third is kind of similar but a little more subtle. We must still act right, whatever that is, but the rules and laws that we have learned are not up to some sort of judgment in itself. Jesus is not going to come on the last day and judge us all, sending some of us to hell and some of us to heaven. The laws and rules are simply built into existence. Some things are naturally going to send us in bad directions (lying, cheating, stealing) and others things are going to send us in good directions (helping your elderly neighbor take out the trash). I suppose some people would call this natural law. I don't know. And I am not sure what one of these ideas is true. Maybe none of them maybe all of them. What I do think is interesting is that I am still here talking about these actions as they pertain to myself (and ourselves) and some sort of juddment or some sort of coming about because of the actions. Why am I not talking about the actions in themselves? Would they mean anything? Do they mean anything? I think that the problem here is the ego creeping up again. We have this way of anthropomorphizing everything we come in contact with. Why do we feel the need to be the center of the universe? Maybe it could be an evolutionary quality stemming from the need to compete with everything around us. In that case a me me me attitude is usually successful. But of course that is an imcomplete and fairly naive idea. We are surely more complicated than that. I like to think that what Jesus has taught us and what we should do should be done in of of itself. Doing good is good because it is good. It is it's own beginning and end (I suppose middle too). I have no proof of this and no argument to give anyone. It would be nice though.