sin and mercy...oh know, serious subject

Today we had a wonderful discussion of sin and mercy. Two phrases really stuck out in my mind. The first is the feeling that sin stares us in the face. The second is the idea is the (hopeful) return from exile after we sin. These help create a good image in my mind, but like many others I find a need to conjure up my own.

I picture two points in space, one is God and one is myself. Funny how we always like to say that God is IN everything and everyone, but I suppose when thinking of sin I must separate my actions from God (this is a conversation all in itself). So it goes. I stand on a pathway, bottomless pits on either side. I have the choice of facing God or turning away (I guess it is not difficult to figure out where this is going). Moving towards God is doing what is right and making good decisions, whatever those may be. Moving away from God is sin. Fairly simple picture.

But there is some interesting structure to this image. As we move away from God the path becomes narrower. It naturally follows that as we move towards God the path becomes wider. This is interesting for a number of reasons. The first is that this structure implies that it is easier or more simple to move towards God (in the least it should be more desirous). Not only that but as we move towards God it should become easier and easier (this reminds me of calculus, rates of change, derivatives, etc...God must be in calculus). But is this our experience? In reality it often seems easier to sin and "Godwork" can be hard.

Thinking of Dante helps me out here. We must remember his upward movement through purgatory. Going up a mountain is not easy, it is definitely hard work, often times leaving us exhausted. This is the representation of battling sin, of not always doing what is easy and often times wrong, but instead doing what is right. But remember what happens as Dante faces the respective sins on each level of the mountain. After he understands each sin and in a sense repents, he is made lighter each time. Going up the mountain is hard, but as he gets closer to God it becomes easier and easier, until finally Dante becomes weightless. Well, the idea is the same with the path and the pit. Moving towards God is not always the easiest choice, but as we do get closer the path becomes wider and we see more puppy dogs and ice cream.

The other interesting idea is this. As we move away from God the path becomes narrower. It follows that if we sin long and bad enough the path will eventually become so narrow and small that it occupies a single point in space (I know a point has no dimensions, but for the sake of the image please work with me). For me this is why the idea of sin staring us in the face is so dramatic. When we sin we are moving to that one point in space, that evil eye that is so terrifying. It is so small and so empty of God. And when it looks at us we are completely naked, stripped to the soul. But in a way that in not beautiful, only ugly and crippled. That is hell, that is Satan.

So where does mercy and justice come in? Following from the structure so far created, justice is the natural feeling of sorrow and angst as we move away from God. It is built into the the bad and wrong decisions that we make. Simply stated, as we sin we will move ourselves further and further away from God. Mercy is the idea that when we turn toward God, God is always waiting, ready to accept us. God will be there for eternity, open arms forever. We also see mercy in the path that widens, making the path easier as we go. There is support as we get closer, there is a natual incentive to move towards God.

One more idea. How does this relate to the Center? Well, for me I suppose God is the ultimate example, the most intimate identification being the person and life of Jesus Christ. Following His lead I need to always have open arms. I must always be here ready to help, do what is necessary to guide the men from the suffocating experience of homelessness to the puppy dogs and bubble gum of independence and self-sufficiency (of course it is not this simplified and easy, but once again for the sake of the image). Justice is the idea that the guys must always be allowed to make their own decisions, which will often times lead them into despair. It is not my duty to make the decisions for them, and in fact the only way in which the guys can make any progress, to move towards God if you will, is to let them make their own choice, to do it themselves. So it goes.

Not as boring as yesterday...I hope

This morning a group of us got together for a spiritual discussion. It was a great way to begin the day, even though I got up an hour earlier than I usually do. We will do this for the next couple of weeks on Wednesday mornings. I would say who makes up the group, but in the spirit of the book I just read that involves secret organizations, Foucault's Pendulum, no one gets to know. We have lots of secrets to hide.

Anyway, the reading for the day was the Prodigal Son from Luke's gospel. I am sure that I do not have to tell the story, even those who are not religious are most likely familiar with the basic plot. There is a lot about materialism, forgiveness, redemption and all that good stuff. There is the prodigal son, the father, the resentful son, the evil pigs and a great feast. I think I have covered everything, if not the bible is the most published book on the entire earth, I think everyone can get their hands on one.

The meditation and then discussion revolved around our relationship with God and who exactly we see God as in our lives. When listening to the story I immediately began analyzing the characters. I felt a need to quantify my experience so that I could make myself fit into the story. This is after all one of the most famous parables Jesus ever told. There must be something or someone I could relate to, I should obviously be able to learn something. Am I the prodigal son, the example of materialism? The hard-working resentful son who gets angry mostly out of ignorance? The evil pigs? The father, the representation of God, forgiveness and acceptance (I wish)? Really, I feel as though I fit one or more of these descriptions at different times in my life (as we all do). I see myself as some sort of sinusoidal wave. The x-axis is time or my life experience. The y-axis represents good and bad, up being good/God and down being bad/evil. What I hope to do is raise the mean level of the wave. We are all going to have ups and downs, my goal is to simply make the goods things better and the bad things not so bad.

This all skirts around what I really want to say. All this thinking is not important. Ironically and paradoxically thinking led me to the conclusion that thinking about God it not where I make any sort of connection with God. The earliest believers did not even have a word for God (if they did they were not allowed to use it). Why is this? Why is it that with the advent of speech and writing, systems that allow us to communicate our ideas and beliefs, semantic and symbolic representation of God is outlawed? Because they are not good enough to express the FEELING of what God is. Our rational creations do not do God justice. So thinking about how I fit into this religious story about forgiveness and redemption and thinking about my relationship with God is just not going to cut it. I need to focus on my feelings, not my thoughts. On what it feels like to smile and laugh with someone. What it feels like to give a hug. To help someone with a physical ailment. To sit down and have a good conversation with friends and family over dinner. To kiss someone. To walk outside early in the day and feel the sun on my back, hear the birds in the trees and smell the air with the morning dew. There are so many feelings we have that are good, that are beautiful. These are what I want to attribute to God. These are what I want to not think about but let sit in my heart, in my soul and evolve.

"Oh, I don't know..."

Usually when I write this blog I feel like I have something to say, I feel "moved" if you will. Unfortunately I have not had this feeling in a while. I suppose that is why I have not written anything. This is not to say that nothing is happening, on the contrary the opposite is quite true. When I sit down and think about it I believe that the issue must be de-sensitization. When I first started here everything was new. I tried not to have any pre-conceived notions about what I would see and experience so at every juncture, at every turn of events I saw things for the first time. I would not say that I was surprised, but there was a definite feeling of wonder. I f0und myself constantly thinking, "oh, that is how is it." I don't really know what I am trying to say, but there it is.

Last weekend I went back to Boston College to see some of my friends. It was great to get back "home" and hang out with some familiar faces. It was the 15th Reunion of the Heightsmen so I got to see everyone from that group as well. I am glad it was so easy to slip back into the college lifestyle, but maybe that's because I didn't have any classes to attend or papers to write. It's funny how different that lifestyle is and again I must say that throughout this year I must have been de-sensitized because as I came back here I felt as though this was home. Indeed I suppose it truly is, at least for now. The only thing that has been hard is that I have had a cold for two weeks now (which means it most likely is not a cold). I could kick myself for not seeing the free doctor last Friday, who happens to come every two weeks. What an idiot.

Other than that, Homeless Court is this Friday. In the past I would have been thinking about it a lot, but going along with our theme here, it doesn't get me that excited (of course I still realize it's a great thing). What makes it interesting now is that other people, the guys, get pretty crazy. They start hearing that there is a court where they can get all their cases dismissed and it's going on right here this Friday. Sounds too good to be true. Well, in a sense it is. People cannot just sign up today and see the judge on Friday. They can sign up now, write a personal letter, get documentation and have us fill out a progress report and in most cases the judge will be more than happy to see them in April. But of course this is not good enough. Things need to happen now. Or it must be that for some reason I am trying to slow the process down because I have some issue with one of the guys. All I can do is laugh, but that does not go over too well either because then I am laughing at other peoples' problems. No win.

Things are cool though. We are starting a little mentoring program in which we have weekly meetings with the guys who volunteer here. I am doing a lot of work for it and am going to facilitate some of the first meetings. I get to research topics of discussion and make some plans for the meetings, which I have found I really enjoy doing. I look forward to sitting down with the guys and just talking about regular things and fun things. I am sure there will be more to say in the future.

Relieved Tension

As I look at my experiences the last few weeks (and actually throughout my life) I see the presence of a lot of tension. This is not bad, this is just the way life is. We are constantly climbing up and down mountains, tightening and loosening our respective ropes. I suppose this is why people are so attracted to great works of music. At the opera we can listen to a sour dissonance relieve itself into a comfortable harmony - over and over again. And the best part is that we do not have to think about it, we can just feel it as it unconsiciously sinks into our skin.

For example, this weekend I participated in re-orientation for JVC in which all 90 of us from California and Arizona got together to renew our commitment to community, simplicity, social justice and spirituality. The theme of the retreat was the peak oil crisis. The idea is that we have already used 1 trillion of the 2 trillion barrels of oil that are in existence, meaning that in a short while the world is going to drastically change - and not for the better (it depends how you want to look at it of course). Many believe the rich will become richer and the poor poorer, more exploitation of labor, movement into more simple lives, the death of the SUV, people may even have to cut down to one car per family (gasp). I think we all get the idea. With a loss of our main energy source comes a narrowing of our current existence. Some believe the impending doom is close at hand, others believe we will be ok.

Here is our first tension. Do we look at this (possible) crisis and think to ourselves how can we fix it? What new technology can we come out with? How can we make sure that even with the decrease availability of oil we can go on living our lives with the same prosperity? Or, should we say that the problem does not lie in an oil shortage, but with the gargantuan expectations that we now hold having grown up in 20th Century America? We do not so much need to make sure technology keeps up with our desires, we have to take a look at our apparent needs and identify them for what they are - superfulous wants. This is a huge tension, something that we are going to have to face no matter what, especially if we are ever to live more spiritual lives.

Another tension. I spent the week talking to fellow JVs who were taken aback by the impending doom (I actually do not think it is going to be that crazy). They were completely freaking out. But even with all the serious talk, I felt surrounded by some of the most idealistic people I know. I heard more that once, "I want to change the world." For real. The problem is that we can get to thinking like that because we are surrounded once again by all white, middle class, college graduates who often only need to worry about where we are going to school next year or what international program we are going to enter into. This is not a bad thing, we should use our blessings in the best ways possible. I just always remember that when I get back to work I am not surrounded by the same people anymore. They have different histories and different desires and expectations. This world is a little bit harder. So I guess there is this confrontation of idealism and reality, something that we must continually face. To be completely idealistic is not very smart because then you are not living in the real world, just a created, foundationless dream. To get stuck in reality or "the way things are" is equally dangerous, because change would never happen if we thought this way all the time. So there is of course a great balancing act, and moderation is key. I suppose this is not new ground, but it helps to find and experience concrete examples as we live life.