A Gracious Experience

Today, as I was getting ready to run an errand for One Warm Coat a man who I had helped during the Homeless Court process stopped to tell me that since being cleared of his violations he was able to get a job because he could pass a background check. He told me because he wanted to thank everyone who was involved in helping him.
We do not always get thanks for what we do. That is the nature of the job. But it is always good when someone takes the time to show their gratitude. It reminds me of the story from the Gospels when a group of men are healed by Jesus. They are all overjoyed because of the healing, but only one man comes back to thank Jesus. I cannot remember what He says but I am not sure that that is the point of the story (at least from my perspective at this point in my life - of course there may be other interpretations).
As I see it now what the story shows us is that Jesus did His works out of the goodness of His heart. I suppose that is probably the most obvious statement ever, but it is something that we must remember. We have to realize that good works are not done in the anticipation of thanks but in and of themselves. They are good standing alone. It is in our best interest to imitate that behavior (which introduces a paradox - in trying to do something good in itself, purely for someone else, we are actually doing good for ourselves).
Anyway, it was a good experience and got me thinking about why I am here, why I do certain things and in general why we all act in certain ways. It is the last day of the year and I will be spending it with a few roommates and some other friends in the area. We are not sure what to do or where to go but I am sure that, because of the company, we will all have a good time.

Holiday Anger

There has been tension in my thoughts since the Christmas giveaway and hopefully by writing about that day I can relieve it. We put a lot of time (at least Steve did) and energy into making the day as beneficial as possible for all the guys and anyone else who came to receive gifts. I say receive because the guys did not have to pay anything for what they got. It was all free. All they had to do was come and take. It was a free lunch for anyone who put in the effort to show up and get in line. From my point of view that seems pretty nice. Out of the goodness of their hearts, everyone involved gave their time, money, possessions, etc. so that other people could have a better Christmas. Mostly, so the guys could make sure their little kids did not have to go through the holidays without an appearance from Santa. Those are the people (kids) I think about.
The reason I am angry is because all I heard throughout the day was whining. The gifts are not good enough, you are not running the process efficient enough, why does that person get to go before me, there is not enough in general, blah blah blah. One guy tried to pass his number in line to me (which was fake) right as the kid (with the rightful number) was about to get his turn in line. Also, when someone did get their turn to choose their gifts they kept on taking and taking until we had to remind them there were other people in line.
With all this I kept asking myself why I chose not to go home and see my family for the holidays. Now I suppose it is my turn to stop whining. This experience was a good lesson in not tying myself too much to what I am doing. I cannot get caught up in the people, my own ego or the results of the process. It is in fact the process itself that is important. We are here helping. I do not have to substantiate it any further. To do so would be pointless, egotistical, to make myself feel better and to brag to others. We are helping. I should not have to say that we are helping to do this or helping to do that. Those things are not important. We are helping. Done and done.
So this year has really been a battle for me in remembering that. I always want to tell people that I am doing this and I am doing that. That what I am doing is the right thing to do and it is something that is really making a difference. That's bullshit. I don't know why I feel such a need to substantiate what I am doing. That I am here, that Steve is here, that the rest of the JVs are here is all that matters. We are doing something, we are living in the chaos and working towards something better. That's all.
It has also been a battle to accept the process for what it is. This means not attaching myself to the results. I know I have said this but I need to say it again. It is hard to not get angry when you feel you are doing something good and people are not appreciate. But I should not be here to look for thank yous. Yes it is good when I hear them and yes I feel as though thank yous are part of the model of social behavior that we are striving for. But if that is what determines my happiness and sadness or anger and joy then I am here for the wrong reason.
Ok, just wanted to get that out and remind myself not to get down and do things for the wrong reasons. This is truly a battle that I fight, but one that is easily won. All we have to do is surrender.

Christmas

Today is Christmas and I am writing this blog from the Center. This is the first time that I have ever missed being home for Christmas, I guess there is a first time for everything. I have talked to a lot of people who thought it was going to be tough and lonely but to be honest it has been fine. Work was so busy the last few days that I barely realized Christmas had come upon us. Also, Emily and her family as well as Steve have been offering me things to do every day. For that I am truly grateful. It is good to be in a new place yet have people who feel like old friends. It makes me feel at home in a new world.
It doesn't hurt to be able to talk to my family whenever I want, thank God for cell phones (this at least people cannot be annoyed about). I must have talked to each member of the family a few times in the last two days. So even though we are far apart our conversations and gifts have brought us together. I miss my family, the snow (I cannot believe I said that) and the cheer that comes with the holidays. But this is a good time as ever to sacrifice that. I know that I will be home next year, so that gives me some consolation.
I said I was busy the last few days. I have been all over the East Bay picking up and dropping off coats. Even though it has been a bit stressful I feel good because I know that a lot of people are going to be warmer this winter (also known as the wet, cooler season around here).
One more thing. I really feel at home with my roommates. Having them gone the last few days has helped me realize how much I really enjoy their presence. Emily is pseudo here, the rest are gone, but I have received calls from all of them. I get the feeling that we have truly become a family during the four months. I cannot wait until we can get together and share a few stories from the holiday season. Merry Christmas.

Today we distributed over 600 coats during the Allen Temple food drive. After collecting and separating all those coats it was good to finally see them in the hands of the people who need them. Seven of us worked together and for our services we received a shirt, a hat, some other miscellanious items and tickets to the Warriors game tomorrow night. I am already working at the game, but everyone else is pretty excited to go. It is funny how many things one receives when doing service. Sure, you do not make a lot of money, but it seems as if people are more likely to give from their heart. I guess what goes around really does come around.
This last weekend we celebrated Carol's (my roommate) birthday by going out in San Francisco. We ate at a great Indian restaurant called New Dehli Restaurant. The meal was wonderful. As members of JVC we do not often get to go out to eat, much less to a good restaurant. We were going to have a drink at the Starlight Lounge that overlooks San Francisco but as we tried to enter they explained there was a $15 cover, which is way too rich for our blood. We instead went to an Irish bar in which there was a cover band playing 60's Rock 'n' Roll. All in all it was a very good night and on Sunday we actually had cake, so that was cool.
I still have not really been in the Center for the last few days, all my time goes to One Warm Coat. But I suppose this is necessary seeing as Christmas is right around the corner.

yada

So what to write about? My mind is swimming with thoughts but I don't know if any of them are memories of the past few days. Last week ended with me looking forward to a weekend holiday JVC get together that we were holding at our place. Friday night we all took it easy and then I worked on Saturday morning picking up coats in the surrounding area. I went to San Lorenzo, then Newark, then Livermore and finally back through Dublin. It was a nice round trip, I enjoyed driving through the hills on highway 84. Very beautiful. It made me want to hike around the area or something, but I am sure that will probably not happen.
The holiday party was Saturday night, and we themed it National Lampoon's Christmas, meaning that we all had to wear tacky Christmas clothing. Some people had great outfits, very silly looking. We all had a good time, it was great seeing people, having conversation, that kind of thing. I have the feeling, looking back, that I spent the night wandering around aimlessly, which is not the coolest thing. Sometimes I guess that is ok.
Sunday I worked again, collecting coats with some of the guys and some other volunteers at the Warriors game. I was surprised at how mean some people can be when you ask them for coats, even when they know they are for homeless people. I did not like that. We then got to watch the rest of the game, which the Warriors won. It was good time, we will be doing it again on the 22nd.
I took Monday off, in light of working 7 straight days and the Center not being open, and did some Christmas shopping for the family. I have enjoyed looking for stuff to get for my family even though it has to be cheaper than usual. I am putting more thought into the gifts, which hopefully makes them better.
Tuesday I had to be at Ashby BART by 7 am so that was early for me. Once again collecting coats for OWC. It was ok, got some stuff, me some dudes from 92.7 fm. Then did more sorting of the coats at the DC and hauling of new coats that were again collected later. Made a bunch of calls working out pick-ups and drop-offs for the week in there too. Today we did more sorting and are going to make a drop-off of about 100 coats out at the army base. So basically my life has become one big dance with used coats. Not a bad thing, I suppose a lot of people are going to be thankful to have something warm at night (and during the day if it is cold).
From here, I guess we'll see what happens. The week holds more driving and transporting and all that stuff. Soon my roommates are leaving for Christmas so that is not the coolest because I am staying here to work and do whatever. I will miss being home with my family but this is a sacrifice that I feel I should make. My mom is coming out in early Jan. so that will be good, and other family is coming out at some point too. I am sure there will be more comments on the holiday season in the coming weeks. With that, I'm out.

Charity - Training Day

On Saturday night the Bay Area Jesuit Volunteers were invited to the Jesuit residence in Berkeley for a meal together and drinks and socializing afterwards. A number of the Jesuits are support people for the JV communities so they thought it would be nice to get everyone together. It was a great time. A couple of the Jesuits cooked us up a fine dinner of chicken and sausage gumbo and wine was on the house. We had great conversation varying from Catholic dogma to fixing carburators (actually I don't think we talked about that, someone might have, but we did talk about lots of things). It was interesting spending time with men who are so devout in their faith yet also learned in so many different areas of academia. I spent 20 minutes talking with a Jesuit who is a lawyer and he filled me in on information regarding international law, which is becoming more and more important with the dawn of globalization. I had another conversation with one of my support persons about receiving communion in good conscience (as opposed to receiving communion without going to confession, or something like that). We discussed how even within Catholicism different areas of the world practice confession and communion to a different extent (even comparing different parishes - priests really do have a big impact on their communities). Also, what does it mean to be in good conscience to receive communion? Do we have to go to confession? Can someone who is divorced and remarried receive communion? These are important matters, and as far as I am concerned up to interpretation and individual discretion. Anyways, we had a good time, good food, good drinks, good converstions, and all that good stuff. I am eternally thankful to the Jesuits and the program that I am a part of for their support and for the opportunities they provide.
On Saturday my house had dinner with two former Jesuit Volunteer women from two years ago. We see them when we go to Theology of Tap and they extended us an invitation. Once again I was thankful for the charity we receive as Jesuit Volunteers. They cooked up another fine dinner and afterwards we played games and had dessert. I could not have asked for more on a Sunday night. I look forward to keeping a relationship, not because it provides good food, but because it is a joy to meet new people, get to know them, and nurture the created bond.
Today, Wednesday, we had a training meeting at the Center for the men who come in on a day to day basis. It was originally planned only for the interns, but we opened our doors to everyone because of the rainy weather. It basically turned into an open forum in which the men were able to voice their opinions about the Center. We heard good things and bad things and I liked the fact that people were able to share their ideas, but I am most satisfied because people were given a voice in itself. The men (and the workers, staff, interns) need to have a voice. It engenders a feeling a importance and autonomy. It makes people responsible for their ideas and words, which should lead to an ownership of actions. The Center is a place where we all should be heard and respected, where we are given a chance to have responsibility. I think the day went well and believe that we will keep moving forward in our desire to empower the men in their movement from homelessness to independence.

The Norm - Theology on Tap

So the Center has been running smoothly as of late, not much to talk about. I feel as though I come in, take phone calls, work on One Warm Coat, Homeless Court, organize information, help the guys with immediate needs, etc. Sometimes as I walk to work I wonder what I am walking to, what I am doing. Where is all this stuff going to lead to and get done? I guess I am not sure, but I think that the answer will come with time. And if it doesn't, then I suppose I will to live in the questions as someone famous said we have to do. Just keep coming in, keep coming back. This place is a good thing.
We went to Theology on Tap again Tuesday night. It was a great speech about religious existentialism by a Jesuit, Daniel Hendrickson (I hope the spelling is right). Basically that means talking about how we find and relate to God in our everyday life activities. It's a wonderful subject to think about. Existentialism focuses on our experiences, how we think about them, what we learn from them, how we react to them and how we use all of that in our lives afterwards. When we throw God into the mix everything just gets a little bit better. Instead of focusing on just ourselves and then our relations to others, we fodus on ourselves and our relation to the ultimate Other, God. This is great stuff. Bernard Lonergan, a former Jesuit professor at Boston College, wrote about how we know the world and how that can lead us to God. He was thought of (and rightly so) as an epistemologist, someone who deals with how humans know. But in another sense this is very existential. When we dive into our knowing, we must look at all our experiences, joys, sorrow, sufferings, learnings, understandings, conversations, everything. Through the process of knowing, by reflecting on and judging these things, Lonergan argued that we can connect to God. It is sort of like an existential leap into God. One we make by using our experiences and learnings to thrust ourselves into existence and God through our subsequent actions.
I am not sure, actually, how this is done. I feel comfortable in the learning and acting process, I think the existential part comes fairly naturally. I also feel pretty adequate on the faith part, relating with God and such. But making the two connect, that is the tricky part (at least I think so, Lonergan said it should be obvious). I have talked to some people who seem to think that Love can be the big connection, somehow if we see love in our intellectual pursuits and love in God, we can use that to unite our experiences. Something to work towards. This shouldn't come as a surprise, we are always working towards something, that is the very nature of how we know. We continually experience, question, learn, judge and hopefully act by making choice about the whole process. I suppose bringing God into the picture should not change that at all.