Holiday Anger
There has been tension in my thoughts since the Christmas giveaway and hopefully by writing about that day I can relieve it. We put a lot of time (at least Steve did) and energy into making the day as beneficial as possible for all the guys and anyone else who came to receive gifts. I say receive because the guys did not have to pay anything for what they got. It was all free. All they had to do was come and take. It was a free lunch for anyone who put in the effort to show up and get in line. From my point of view that seems pretty nice. Out of the goodness of their hearts, everyone involved gave their time, money, possessions, etc. so that other people could have a better Christmas. Mostly, so the guys could make sure their little kids did not have to go through the holidays without an appearance from Santa. Those are the people (kids) I think about.
The reason I am angry is because all I heard throughout the day was whining. The gifts are not good enough, you are not running the process efficient enough, why does that person get to go before me, there is not enough in general, blah blah blah. One guy tried to pass his number in line to me (which was fake) right as the kid (with the rightful number) was about to get his turn in line. Also, when someone did get their turn to choose their gifts they kept on taking and taking until we had to remind them there were other people in line.
With all this I kept asking myself why I chose not to go home and see my family for the holidays. Now I suppose it is my turn to stop whining. This experience was a good lesson in not tying myself too much to what I am doing. I cannot get caught up in the people, my own ego or the results of the process. It is in fact the process itself that is important. We are here helping. I do not have to substantiate it any further. To do so would be pointless, egotistical, to make myself feel better and to brag to others. We are helping. I should not have to say that we are helping to do this or helping to do that. Those things are not important. We are helping. Done and done.
So this year has really been a battle for me in remembering that. I always want to tell people that I am doing this and I am doing that. That what I am doing is the right thing to do and it is something that is really making a difference. That's bullshit. I don't know why I feel such a need to substantiate what I am doing. That I am here, that Steve is here, that the rest of the JVs are here is all that matters. We are doing something, we are living in the chaos and working towards something better. That's all.
It has also been a battle to accept the process for what it is. This means not attaching myself to the results. I know I have said this but I need to say it again. It is hard to not get angry when you feel you are doing something good and people are not appreciate. But I should not be here to look for thank yous. Yes it is good when I hear them and yes I feel as though thank yous are part of the model of social behavior that we are striving for. But if that is what determines my happiness and sadness or anger and joy then I am here for the wrong reason.
Ok, just wanted to get that out and remind myself not to get down and do things for the wrong reasons. This is truly a battle that I fight, but one that is easily won. All we have to do is surrender.
The reason I am angry is because all I heard throughout the day was whining. The gifts are not good enough, you are not running the process efficient enough, why does that person get to go before me, there is not enough in general, blah blah blah. One guy tried to pass his number in line to me (which was fake) right as the kid (with the rightful number) was about to get his turn in line. Also, when someone did get their turn to choose their gifts they kept on taking and taking until we had to remind them there were other people in line.
With all this I kept asking myself why I chose not to go home and see my family for the holidays. Now I suppose it is my turn to stop whining. This experience was a good lesson in not tying myself too much to what I am doing. I cannot get caught up in the people, my own ego or the results of the process. It is in fact the process itself that is important. We are here helping. I do not have to substantiate it any further. To do so would be pointless, egotistical, to make myself feel better and to brag to others. We are helping. I should not have to say that we are helping to do this or helping to do that. Those things are not important. We are helping. Done and done.
So this year has really been a battle for me in remembering that. I always want to tell people that I am doing this and I am doing that. That what I am doing is the right thing to do and it is something that is really making a difference. That's bullshit. I don't know why I feel such a need to substantiate what I am doing. That I am here, that Steve is here, that the rest of the JVs are here is all that matters. We are doing something, we are living in the chaos and working towards something better. That's all.
It has also been a battle to accept the process for what it is. This means not attaching myself to the results. I know I have said this but I need to say it again. It is hard to not get angry when you feel you are doing something good and people are not appreciate. But I should not be here to look for thank yous. Yes it is good when I hear them and yes I feel as though thank yous are part of the model of social behavior that we are striving for. But if that is what determines my happiness and sadness or anger and joy then I am here for the wrong reason.
Ok, just wanted to get that out and remind myself not to get down and do things for the wrong reasons. This is truly a battle that I fight, but one that is easily won. All we have to do is surrender.
posted by Ryan at 7:31 PM
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