losing a friend

Many of my JV counterparts speak of the connections they have made with clients. I always found this a bit curious. Maybe it is because I do not think of the guys I work with as clients, but instead, as fellow humans. But I am not sure this is right. My problem is that I have a hard time identifying a particular bond with the guys. How is it that everyone else has made these great friends? And if I think of the guys not as clients but as people, that should make me more likely to create some sort of bond.

I don't know. I can say, however, that I do feel a connection with the guys, at least some of them. I suppose I just have a hard time finding it. What brought me to this reflection is that one of the guys who I have worked closely with over the last few months, who has had a lot of responsibility at the Center, and who had made a huge amount of progress, recently left the Center to check himself into a drug treatment program. It came as a big surprise because he seemed to be doing so well. He was working a full-time job, got himself some housing, and spent his free time working at the Center. I like to think that I can usually tell when someone is using, but I could not this time.

So I did not get to say goodbye. I did not get to give him support. I did not get to tell him that I was proud of him and that it is OK to seek help. This year has been full of ups and downs, seeming victories and seeming failures. I don't really know anymore what is what. But I will take this experience as a victory. Yes, he started using again and had to go to a treatment center. But he made major steps in working full-time, staying in an apartment, and working at the Center. And even making the decision to get help, to make himself vulnerable and open to the caring hands of others, is itself a major victory. Most of the guys here are unwilling to do that.

So I guess more than anything I am thankful for the guys here at the Center, thankful for the experience we have had, and mostly thankful for the guys who I have gotten the chance to really get to know. There are so many stories and so many different personalities. And everyone has something speical to give. I am truly thankful. I pray that my friend finds himself, without drugs and alcohol, wherever he is. And that when he is done he can share his real self with everyone else.

The Real Lesson

I was talking to someone who read my last blog and they commented, with a slight smile and smirk, that I spent a whole year working with the homeless and going to retreats and all I learned was "not to judge." I suppose what I said could have come off that way, but in reality the lesson I feel as though I have learned is a little more subtle. Of course we all know that we should not judge each other and that "love is the answer." We know these ideas from sources as ancient as the Bible and as commercial as bumper stickers. So I realize that I should have learned these lessons long ago. But that is not what I feel I have learned.

Inevitably, because of our particular personalities, the geographic locations we were raised, the color of our skin, the material well-being we have known, etc. most of us believe that it is "wrong" to judge and "right" to love. But we often cater these beliefs to our unique circumstances. Meaning, we love those who are similar to us (in our beliefs) and those for whom we feel sympathy, but we judge those who do not fit into our own personal criteria for who is "good."

This happens everywhere and all the time. Even among fellow social workers I find that we often have negative feelings toward those who do not share the same beliefs as we do. Or those who work with the poor feel that it is ok to hate those who are materially well off and decide not the help the poor.

The problem is that the minute one begins to judge others, whether or not the people who are being judged are apparently "good" or "bad," that person immediately cuts him or herself off from solving the problem. Judgment is a great divider, it pushes people apart and keeps them there. Understanding, forgiveness and love are all reconcilers, they bring people together. These may seem like simple statements but they are important. Solving the problem of disparity, of having a large group of homeless people living in despair next to another group of people who have the resources to help them, cannot contain any sort of judgment - on either side of the continuum. I cannot judge the poor and I cannot judge the rich. This will not do any good. And I must understand that my particular dispositions and my unique experiences have most likely set me up to judge certain groups of people. I must identify this, understand it and then hopefully work from outside myself. This is what I have learned this year. That I must identify my own prejudices and get rid of them. Because we should not judge anyone, even if with think they are completely "evil."

I realize that once again this lesson is quite apparent in all sorts of texts. But what has been important for me this year is that I have not simply read these idealizations, I have actually lived them. For me, to truly understand my lesson I needed to spend night and day living what I read. And I believe that this is important for everyone. We need to put our thoughts to action, to actually challenge every cell in our body to jump into reality. Only by seeking a multitude of diverse experiences do I think we can make this happen.

So I seek to look into the world and not judge anyone. This is hard and I often fail. But I will continue to remind myself that someone who shoots drugs into his vains is not evil. And someone who buys an extraordinarilly expensive house is not evil either. I will not solve any problems by judging these people. I might be able to solve some problems, however, if I identify my own prejudices, relinquish them and then seek to understand and work with other people in their own particular circumstances - without judgment of course.

A New Vision

This past weekend, during our last JVC retreat, I had the chance to reflect on what the year has meant to me. With this in mind, I have been thinking about what I would say if someone asked me what I took away from this year. I would like to focus on one thing, one major lesson that I feel I have learned, that I will take away from this year and bring into future events. This is what I would say.

I spent much of the year trying to figure out why people do the things they do, why the guys at the Center act the way they do. Why there is, relatively speaking, a higher incidence of lying, cheating, stealing, etc. than in other populations. I thought about this a lot and discussed this a lot and feel as though I have come to some sort of conclusion. My main assertion is that people are not natually evil. This is something that I simply do not believe. Everyone, no matter how hard it may be to see, is inherently good. I truly believe this. Which means that people act in evil ways, not because they are bad, but because something causes, or pushes, them to do so. Generally, people act bad because they have been taught to act bad, or the way they act is the only way they really know how to act. It has been a part of their life since they were born. Some people may call this the socialization of behavior or say that nurture is more important in the development of personality than nature (we could also discuss genetic predisposition to acting certain ways and discuss mental illness, which is often times mostly genetic, but not right now). So basically we should not judge people for acting the way they do. We should seek to understand why they act the way they do, forgive them if necessary and then love them for the good that we find in them. Above all, give people a chance or two or three to get on their feet and make good for themselves. And DO NOT JUDGE. This is what we do at the Center and what others in JVC do.

Now fast forward a bit. I am driving with Steve along 18-mile drive and we are nauseated by the extravagence of the houses we see. We cannot believe how much money, that could be used for social services, probably went into building these behemoth houses. But then I had to check myself. Why am I judging these people if I did not judge the guys at the Center.? Are they not inherently good too? The answer is yes, they are good. And the evils that I may see in their actions are there for the same reasons that the I used for the homeless men. I believe that people who have a lot of money and material possessions, and decide not to share, for the most part were socialized to live the way they do. They know no other way than to live (I realize that I am making some assumptions and that there are probably other explanations to go along with this idea, but what can I do, I am not judging the people I am talking about so I do not think I am really hurting anybody). So once again, from my point of view my only plan of action is to try and understand why people act the way they do, forgive them if necessary and move forward with loving actions. And above all, DO NOT JUDGE.

So what have I really learned? I have a unique position, along with fellow JVs, everyone at St. Vincent de Paul, people doing other kinds of social work, etc. on the middle ground of two extremes. I have my feet in a life of material comfort. On the other hand I have spent the year with people who are chronically homeless and do not have material comfort. I feel as though most people in JVC and at St. Vincent de Paul can say the same thing. And we are not here to fix the poor population or fix the rich population. We are here to reconcile these two extremes. We have a vision, because we have seen both worlds, of a new creation, one that contains less evil and more good. And we cannot create more equality by judging either side. We must never judge. We must seek to understand, forgive if necessary (celebrate if necessary too) and finally love to move forward. I will make a judgment and say that the middle ground we stand on is better than either extreme. This is why we must move forward and why love is the only answer. Any sort of hatred or righteousness will lead to failure. And so this is where I find myself right now. I feel as though I have a vision, limited of course, but at least looking in the right direction. And St. Vincent de Paul has provided the foundation for this new view of things. If there is one lesson I have learned from this year, I would have to say that this is it. Never judge but love, no matter what direction you are looking.

Activities Update

I have not submitted a blog in quite a while, so I guess there is a lot of catching up to do. There are a million things that I could talk about, but I think a highlight of the past couple of weeks will be good.

The first interesting event is that my dad visited a couple of weekends ago. It was quite an experience. We did not do any sight-seeing or any of the normal tourist kind of stuff. We simply hung out and I got to introduce him to the life that I live - work and the people at work as well as home and the people at home. My dad came in on a Friday and participated in a discussion on existentialism, often offering his own advice from his many years as a family practice physician. He then helped out with the Rotary #3 Doctors' Clinic, seeing a few patients and discussing current health issues with Dr. Schmitz and Dr. Flanagan. It was fun becuase Dr. Schmitz attended Medical College of Wisconsin, the same school my father attended and the school that I will be attending come August. My dad and Dr. Schmitz have also both been president of their respective chapters of Rotary.

My dad also got an experience of what it is like to hang out with my JVC community. We are all similar in a lot of ways, that is why we are in JVC, but we also have a lot of differences. This leads to quite a few late-night debates, often times becoming a bit heated. On Friday night one of my roommates made the assertion that physicians make too much money. Of course my father was interested in this idea, as was I. Needless to say, we spent two hours debating this assertion, mainly focusing on what the proper compenstion is for someone who dedicates their life to healing others (and the risks and stresses that come with such a profession). In all, I had a great time catching up with my dad and showing him why this year has been so important to me.

Other interesting news. The Friday meetings have been going great. As I said, we had a little existential discussion that went well. But other good things have been happening. Donna Foley, a woman who works with drama, acting and the arts, has been coming in and talking to the guys about the works of Shakespeare and other dramas. The guys, with the help of Donna, have created The Seldom Seen Acting Company, which is a program so the guys can do some acting and hopefully make some money. It seems as though there is a lot of interest. I really enjoyed a presentation that Donna did a couple of Fridays ago about some major monologues from Hamlet and the Merchant of Venice, as well as giving a general background of William Shakespeare. I feel as though the guys can really connect with a lot of the ideas that run through these major works. And everyone was absolutely entranced by the presentation.

Also with the enrichment program, we have started our tour of Bay Area Museums. I took a small group to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art last Tuesday and another group to the Exploratorium on Wednesday. All of the people who went live in Oakland but because they do not have enough money have not been to San Francisco in years - literally. So it was good to get some people over there. The MOMA had some good stuff and the Exploratorium was one of the coolest places I have ever been. There are hundreds of hands-on scientific experiments everywhere, covering optics, sound, gravity, geology, electro-magnetism, and a million more things. The group I took to the Exploratorium included a man and his girlfriend and their little boy, Jerome. They all had a good time, and afterwards Jerome got to play football with some other kids on the nearby beach. We are also planning on visiting the Oakland Museum and the Legion of Honor. The reason we can do this is that museums usually have one free day each month. So we have been hitting those free days and the only thing we have to cover is transportation costs. I am excited for what is to come.

The next update, to be submitted as soon as possible, will discuss my recent retreat. It was themed dis-orientation, and was the last time I will see most of the people from JVC.